CULTURE SHOCK

Culture shock is a normal thing.  I keep reminding myself of that, and it calms me down.  When first entering another culture willingly, there is a honeymoon phase during which the individual is so elated to be in the new place that cultural barriers are no bother.  2-3 months after arriving, culture shock is usually experienced.  

So this blog isn't at all a complaint; it is just me talking about my completely normal feelings.  =]

Here I am: Week 10.  The culture shock has definitely hit me.  Things that never bothered me before in Haiti have been driving me insane this week.  Why does everything have to be some complicated and beyond my understanding?  I miss always having a good idea of what should be done in every situation that arises.  I am SICK of being defined by my skin color.  In America, I never have to think of being white as a part of my identity (and I don't see African Americans as black people either.)  In America, we put a lot more emphasis on achieved status.  

Just the fact that I am white opens and closes so many doors here.  But I don't want to be treated like I'm superior.  I also hate that everyone who sees me assumes I have a closet full of iPods back in the U.S.  When can I ever go somewhere without being noticed?  I am starting to detest every kiss blown in my direction and every shout of "blanc" that reaches my ears.  I am not a spectacle.  I am not a novelty.  I am not a color.  My name is Shelby.

I miss familiarity.  I miss being able to drive MYSELF wherever I want to go whenever I feel like it.  I don't want to procure a car and ask someone else to drive me.  

I miss warm showers, clean clothes, smelling good, and milk.  I'm sick of bug spray, sunscreen, and sweat.  

I'm learning what culture shock is, but I can also learn how to work through it.

So here's what I've got so far.

1. Don't make escape an option.  I am here, and I am committed to be here.  If I really wanted to, I could change my plane ticket and fly back to America tomorrow.  The feelings I'm having aren't a sign that I need to go back to America.

2. List the things I love about it here.

3. Be aware that my feelings are normal and to be expected when experiencing a new culture.

4. Pray through all of my anxieties.

Of course, none of this is meant to say anything against Haiti or my time here.  Like I said, culture shock is a normal things, and I am having it right on schedule. 

I miss America, but I will be back soon enough.  And then, I will miss Ayiti like crazy.

Lovingtsky

Every day is both fantastic and terrible.  I think it comes from being immersed in these projects.  There isn't any escape.  If I go up on the roof, anyone will come join me.  If I go in my room, someone else is usually there too.  When I'm at school, there are 100 different things I'm participating in every day, but here it's the same issues and the same projects every day.  Trying to help these kids, especially these six at Tree of Life, is my entire life right now.  It's my job and my hobby and what I spend my free time thinking about.  So it's kind of exhausting, really.  These kids are so wonderful.  I love it when they come running to me when we get there.  I just love them so much.  Just being with them is my favorite thing ever.

So today, let me tell you about one of my kids.
His name is Lovingtsky.  He is mostly deaf in one ear, but he is really good at reading lips.  In fact, as we were leaving yesterday, I moved my lips for a couple sentences to him (because I was in the car and he couldn't have heard me) and asked if he understood.  He smiled and nodded.  He definitely talks like a kid who can't hear you very well.  He always makes a point of telling me "I love you" in English.  He was really close with two of the other boys who have gone home to their families, and now he is the ONLY boy left at this home.  He is just so sweet.  I think he is ten years old, maybe 11.  He loves good, long hugs.  He has a chipped front tooth from being abused by his father when he was younger.  He loves to make things for me.  He threaded an envelope for me out of a piece of paper.  He also colored the paper like stationary and wrote me note and drew me a Haitian flag.  How much time did that take?  I'm guessing it was several hours.  For me.  Isn't that the sweetest thing?  He also gave me a folder that he wrote inside things like - "We love you because you come a lot."  They love the consistency, but soon the consistency will be gone.

It's so hard.  If you had told me before I came that I was going to be working with kids who wouldn't have anyone from this organization with them after I leave, I probably wouldn't have gotten into it at all.  I'm already in it now though.  It's hard to think that they won't be getting this when I'm gone - the lessons, the crafts, the love, the attention.  Depending on where they end up, I can't guarantee that they will get enough education, food, water, love, etc.  I mean, I really have no control over what happens to them at all.  I can help suggest options, but the families could disagree or be difficult.  They already ask if they can come home with me, which I hate!  I told them about how I have to go back to the states to finish college, and they said that they will cry when I leave.  Their lives are hard enough, ya know?  I don't want to hurt them at all.  I wish there was someone coming after me to keep those relationships up, but there isn't.  There's nothing I can do about it, unless I move here right now.  Even then, there are some reasons why it wouldn't work out (which I won't elaborate on publicly just yet).

Sara asked me if I feel more certain about where God is calling me yet.  I mean, I don't spend too much time thinking about it because I reassure myself that I have a whole year to figure out what I'll do when I graduate.  Really though, I could see myself living in a children's home.  It's not a big picture kind of job, though.  Children's homes are a huge problem here.  They tear up families.  They cause all sorts of problems for the kids who live there.  So I would also be interested in working with an organization that helps families.  There are kids who are true orphans though, and someone has to take care of them.  I have discovered this summer who I am around kids.  I've always been okay with kids, but I never really thought I was good with them.  Suddenly, something clicked, and I know how to love these kids with my entire heart, and I do.  I still really don't know, but I'm still willing to go anywhere.  I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I'm not necessarily called to do something big picture-y.  That stuff is great, but it's okay if I just love orphans, ya know?  It's enough.

So there.  As always, let me know what you'd like me to write about!

PS The 4th of July was pretty funny.  It was a very normal day here.  We heard something, and we were hoping it was fireworks.  Brad said that it was just thunder, but then we figured out that it really was fireworks, and we couldn't see them over the trees in our backyard.  Oh well!  So instead we just stood on the roof and sang patriotic songs.  Good times!

it goes on!

Hello from the middle of week 8 in Ayiti!  Now that I'm past the halfway point, America feels a lot closer than I want it to be.  It's going to be really difficult going back, but I am excited about my senior year of college!

Saturday we went to Manno's wedding.  He is one of our translators, and he is so sweet!  It was really interesting to see how different the wedding was from American weddings.  I guess there aren't that many formal events here, so it is not considered important for people to be all that proper.  I mean, in America we would sit quietly during someone's wedding, and we wouldn't think too much of it.  Here people talk the whole time.  A lady in the row in front of me stood up and walked over to someone to have a conversation with them standing right in front of me.  Also, anyone who owned a digital camera would just walk wherever to get a good picture.  During important moments, like the bride coming down the aisle or the first kiss as a married couple, we couldn't even see them because people were crowded around them taking pictures.  It was fun though, and I am SO happy for Manno.  I got to play with a balloon with some kids at the wedding.  Also, I was talking to the kids behind me at the wedding (only before the wedding started because I'm an American).  They tried to say something to me in English, but I kept telling them "M pa konprann" which means that I don't understand.  So then I heard them talking about me, and they were saying, "She doesn't speak english!  She can't speak english!!"  Also, I sold my phone to Ostanel, and he used the flashlight on it to help the pastor during the wedding.  My phone helped save the wedding!  Ostanel translated a few key parts of the service for us, and it was the best thing ever.  For instance, "if anyone knows something that these two shouldn't be together, you can stand up and tell us about it now.  if not, you can keep it shut forever."  Bahahahahahaha.  

Friday, I got a new purse from the Heartline Shop.  They have these bags called Haitian Creations, and they're beautiful!  They are really good purses that they are teaching the ladies how to sew to give them a job opportunity.  I love mine!  If anyone wants one, I can get them one and you can pay me back when I get back to the states.

The past few days have been wonderful!  We haven't been taking such large groups out, so that makes it better, I think.  We have a team here, but it's just a mom and her two sons.  They're fun! I have really enjoyed encouraging the boys to interact with the Haitian kids.

Yesterday, we went to Wahoo Beach Resort again!  I almost didn't want to go.  We've been having too many American days.  It is a really good fellowship time when teams are here though.  

Today we are going to go work on painting Pastor Joassaint's new house.  Should be fun.  I feel weird because I'm wearing shorts and a tank top out, when I have worn a dress out every single day since I've been here.  

The Kelley's are back, so yay!  The house already feels more like home again.

To sum it up, these past few days have been pretty great.  I've had to spend a lot of time mentally letting go of the things I've been involved in.  There is no way that I can be sure these kids will be taken care of after I leave.  They could end up anywhere.  Anything could happen to them.  I'm not in a place that I can assure them a good life or a good future.  I don't have the resources, and I can't move here right now.  I know that I need to finish college, and I'm excited that I have one more year with my dear Asburians.  So I have to trust God and know that I did do my best.  I am learning a lot - about ministering to kids, about getting along with people, and about dealing with all sorts of problems.  I'm learning how to make my own time to read the Bible and pray.  I'm learning how to wake up at 7 every single morning if I want to eat breakfast!  I could go on and on, but now it's time to get ready for Williamson!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!