maya maya

Being here, being anywhere, you get used to the things you see.  Heartbreak and tragedy just don't hit you the same way.  How could it?  If you see something every day, it starts to seem normal.  I suppose that's how we, as a world, can let horrible things happen, if we are eased into them slowly.

But one little girl has woken my heart back up and broken it all over again.

Her name is Maya.  What can I tell you about her?  She's more musically-oriented than any other child I've ever known.  If she's fussy, you can turn some music on or start singing; she'll forget why she's mad and start dancing.  She sings along with every song I have, even the first time she hears it.  She loves Quincy, when most of the other little ones are afraid of my harmless kitty cat.  She's content to watch me work out, as long as I blow her a kiss as I walk on by.  She's beautiful, absolutely beautiful, with the best smile you could ever see.  She's the happiest little girl I've ever known.

What else could I tell you?  Just a couple months ago, she was severely malnourished - about 6 lbs at age 2.  She was abandoned at the hospital, and my friend Ashley found her and started to take care of her.  Today, she is doing well and has gained lots of weight!  I look at her, and I'm suddenly angry.

Who could do this?  What kind of a person would leave this precious, adorable baby to die, alone in a hospital?

And as quickly as my anger was inflamed, it dissipates.  What kind of a person would do this?  A desperate person, with no hope of keeping the precious baby alive.  Maybe her father thought the hospital could find her a better life.  Or maybe he just didn't want to watch her die.

Whose fault is this?  Mine.  Yours.  Every person who has a lot in this world is burdened with the responsibility for its condition.  I don't want to be a part of a world that leaves beautiful baby girls to die alone in the hospital.  I want to be a part of the world that finds a way to restore the families, to restore the children, a world that doesn't let a single child slip through its fingers unnoticed and unloved.

Just look at her.

Love.

giving up

Today, I am giving up on two big things in my life.

Number one: fundraising.  

You heard it.  No, I don't plan on leaving Haiti anytime soon, but I'm giving up on fundraising.  Don't get me wrong; I actually don't think it's horrible un-enjoyable.  Inviting people to be a part of what God is doing in you and through you can be so amazing at times, but that's not how it's been lately.  I've been striving, working so hard to make it happen, worrying (it's hard for me to confess to worry!  I always think of myself as a chill non-worrier) about how it will happen.  I mean, what would you do if I told you that you could have everything you've wanted - but someone else has to pay for it?  People are happy to oblige at first, but it gets harder and harder.  I feel like I've asked the same people over and over.  What's next?  Should I get on my knees and beg?  Would that even make a difference?  I worked hard on sending things out to people, on making a video to capture people's attention.  [By the way, if you haven't seen the adorable video - credit to Jessica Hogan for all the editing - you can find it here:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/0-OV93mxfUo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> ]

So what am I saying in this jumbled mess of thoughts?  I'm saying that I'm officially hiring God as my fundraising manager.  I'm not going to ask anymore.  No more worrying for me!  If the money comes in, great!  I'll stay a long time and do ministry here!  If the money doesn't come in, great!  I'll go somewhere else and do ministry there!  Time to let it go and just let it happen.

Now number two is probably more relatable.  And honestly, it should be its own blog because I could potentially have a lot to say on the subject.

I am giving up on people pleasing.

Being at Asbury and living in the wonderful community that I had, I mostly forgot that people-pleasing tends to be an issue for me.  That was because I could generally please God and please people and even please myself all at the same time!  But real life isn't like that for me.  I've spent a lot of time in the past four months trying to please someone - maybe even multiple people - who didn't have Godly intentions.  And a part of me equated displeasing that person with displeasing God, and it's just not right.  This year, I vow to focus so much on pleasing God that I don't care whether it pleases people or not!  I can already see myself making progress on this one.  It takes a lot of work and a lot of energy to try to please people all the time, and the truth is that it's generally impossible.  You'll end up disappointed in yourself and feeling like you've let down everyone you know.

So, this is the last time I'll say it. (Unless you ask!) I still need a few thousand dollars to guarantee that I can stay for the year.  You might think that it's not important to be funded for more than a couple months ahead of time, but (in addition to wanting to have a little bit of time to plan my own life,) I want to be able to promise these girls that they have me, all of me, for this whole year.

Here's my Youcaring site: www.youcaring.com/loveorphans

You can always make a recurring donation using the Paypal widget on the right side of this page!

If you're not a fan of Paypal, you may send a check to my mother.  Make it out to me - Shelby Bollar - and my mom will put it DIRECTLY into my account!

Catherine Bollar
41 Robinson Drive
Palm Coast, FL 32164

2013

2013, the year that lasted a million years.

January 1st, 2013, I was at a missions conference called Urbana.  InterVarsity Press puts it on, and thousands of young people who are interested in missions get together to worship God and talk about ministry.  At midnight, we were jumping up and down, singing our hearts out, and rejoicing in who God is and what He was doing and what He would be doing in our lives.

2013 was the year I graduated from Asbury University and said goodbye to a community that taught me so much and loved me so well.

2013 was the year I went to Honduras for 5 weeks and knew that my heart would be happy anywhere.  I love Haiti, but I love everywhere else, too (thus the blog name).

2013 was the year that I moved to Haiti.  And now, 1 year after that "mountain top" experience at Urbana, I'm a different person, in some good ways and in some not-so-good ways.  This year, I learned just how far my naivete could take me, that I'm idealistic enough to throw caution to the wind and see what happens.  This year, I learned that loving people and trusting people like that could get me really hurt and leave me feeling a bit jaded.

2013 was the year that I learned that no one can make me give up, that no one can stop me when God is by my side.  And He is.  And looking back on my life, every year is better than the last, hardships included. 

2014 is the year that will be even better.  Because I live in an orphanage now, and that's something I've been dreaming of and working toward for a long, long time.  I'm so excited to see where God is going with my life, because He has taken me through a crazy path to get there. 

2014 is the year I refuse to leave!!!!  (But I need your help on that one.  More to come, but please considering giving.  Tell your friends, family, small group, or church!!  I need your help to stay!  Check the link on the right side or visit youcaring.com/LoveOrphans )