back to my heart

Let's begin with a video of Honduras that Jessica made.  =]

http://www.youtube.com/0RuxLNeR0Jw

(Note: If this link doesn't work at first, try again in a few hours!)

You know, the past couple months have been kind of hard.  There were parts that were fantastic and beautiful: spending time with my best friends, graduating, seeing my family in South Carolina, and going to Honduras for 5 weeks.  But all the while, it's been nagging me.  That feeling that my life is falling apart.  That "what am I doing?" feeling.  I knew exactly where I was going; I had every last detail figured out.  And even faster than it came, it flew to pieces.  It doesn't help that others have asked me a thousand times in the past few months: "what's next?"  It's not their fault.  They don't know how much baggage I'm carrying with that question right now.  In all of it, I've been so bogged down.  It's caused me to rethink all of my plans - Haiti or not Haiti?  Children or something else?  Who?  Where?  What?  In the midst of all these questions, none of the answers sounded exciting anymore.  All of this is hard to admit.  I'm not entirely past it at this point, but I finally see some sun, some answers that do get me excited.

I was looking back on some old facebook notes, from years ago.  (Totally a God thing.  I haven't looked at these for years, and I just suddenly felt like I needed to see them again right away.)  Back when I was just a baby Christian.  I've got to give myself some credit here.  Although I may have been wrong about many things, I was headed in the right direction, the direction that has gotten me this far anyway.  

For starters, I saw a note that I wrote about what I should choose as a career.  A test that I had taken (my Sophomore year of High School) listed the following among my top few choices: Child and Youth Worker, Motivational Speaker, Clergy, Religious Worker, Humanitarian Aid Worker, Community Worker, Special Ed Teacher, etc.  I find it pretty hilarious how accurate this is.  And one of my best friends commented on it at the time that I should be a missionary - 5 YEARS ago.  And though those quizzes that tell you what you should be when you grow up might be a little silly, it was a really good reminder for me.  This is where I've been headed for a long time - the main pursuit of my life for quite some time now.  It's not falling apart because of a minuscule setback.  Not long after that, I posted another note.  It was about what I want to do with my life.  The conclusion that I came to then was that I wanted to love God and love people.  I mean, we really complicate things sometimes, don't we?

This is the heart of who I am.  I love God, and I love people.  Where I am and what I'm doing are just chapters, and I know these things will change as I go.  

So I'm in the process of looking for an organization to work with, and who knows where it will be?  I go back and forth.  On one hand, my heart is in Haiti (and I know I will be back there, even if it's not soon).  On the other hand, there's so much world out there, and I want to experience it.  

Meanwhile, I'm staying at the Hogan's House in Maryland.  I'm very blessed and very glad to be with them.  =]

Even when we can't remember it, mysteries are exciting adventures.

Here's the song that's been in my heart lately.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/33ixWHymZos

My two favorite parts of the song:

"Thirteen - I've got brand new eyes.  Fourteen - Everything's a surprise.  Fifteen - not a day that I regret.  Love is endless."

"Count out loud all of the ways that life is good on different days.  Things can change, but love always stays the same.  Count out loud, it never ends.  The list goes on and on again.  Forgive, forget, and your let your life begin. Love is endless."

la Miss de primero grado

Gee, I have not had any time to blog since I became a teacher.  Maybe I'm not cut out for blogging... I like to think that the occasional blog is better than not having a blog at all (but correct me if I'm wrong).

a picture from my first day

For the past three weeks, I have been a first grade teacher.
Me, without any experience teaching.
Me, without nearly as much Spanish as I'd like to know.
Me, in the midst of a time in my life when the future is a mystery.
But I said yes.  I said yes to the adventure of it all.  It's a decision that I've questioned a lot in the past three weeks, but at the end of the day, I always remember why I said yes.  Because life is unpredictable, and if you try to make it predictable, you're only depriving yourself of all the wonder that is out there.  Teaching first grade is probably the farthest out of my comfort zone that I've ever been.  Between not knowing where I was supposed to go, not getting to school on time, getting picked up an hour late, not being able to communicate with the other teachers much, not knowing how to discipline the kids, not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, and all the rest; it's been a crazy three weeks.  As difficult as it's been, I wouldn't change my mind for anything.

The first couple days were some of the worst.  The kids hadn't had a teacher for a while, and they asked me every five minutes if they could go outside.  On days like that, I felt like all I ever did was yell at them to work, sit down, be quiet, work, sit down, stop, work, please!  Almost every day, I wrote a letter to the mother of the most difficult student in my class.  She wanted me to spend more time with her kid, even though I was already spending half of my time with him.  Things like that made me think back to all the teachers I've had in my life and see what kinds of things teachers go through, like being blamed for the student not trying/working.  But in all this, to see the progress was amazing.  Between my first day and my last day, their behavior was so much better, and they learned so much in their classes.  Math problems that were hard for them are easy now.  They raise their hands and get a lot more work done than they did at first.

Now for some of my favorite moments:

One morning there was a frog in our classroom.  The students were so excited, but they had to go to the devotional in the cafeteria.  So, I worked hard to get the frog outside in that time, and when they came back (at like 8 am), they asked about it.  I told them he wasn't there anymore, and they were so disappointed.  About 5 hours later, one of my students came to me and said, "and the frog, Miss?"

I told a student that I was originally from San Diego.  She told me, "That's where Drake and Josh are from!!"

A student told me she was from the states - Nueva York.  I'm not sure why, but it just cracked me up.  Too cute.  From the states, but she still calls it Nueva instead of New.

I always read my Bible during my breaks, and it was a good conversation starter.  I had a conversation with a girl who told me that she was trying to be a Christian but she couldn't because she likes secular music.  (Honduran Christian culture is very conservative, and Christians here basically don't listen to any secular music ever.)  But I got to talk to her about how it may be a cultural issue, but that she can still be a Christian and like that music.  And she was a friend from then on.

When we watched the Lion King, my kids clapped when Simba beat Scar.  After the movie was over, they ran around saying, "Simba gano!"  (Simba won!)  It was hilariously fun.

When I come in to school, I say good morning to the kids.  Then they stand and say, "Good morning, Miss Bollar.  Good bless you," all in unison.  Adorable.  Between that and getting lots of hugs, it's not a bad way to start the day.

Jessica came a few times to help, and it was very helpful indeed.  I asked her to take a picture of me and the class.  She told them she was going to take a picture of them and they all groaned and whined.  And I said, "conmigo!" Then they all smiled and cheered.

Yesterday, the students drew pictures on the board for me.  One student drew me as an angel.  Isn't that adorable?  All the pictures they do have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  Usually the Bible too.

We have a lot of activities in the language book for writing sentences.  Here are some of my favorites:
Orange is orange.
I watch the worms.
Summer is June.
George Washington is beautiful.

It's also funny how they sometimes help each other with their work and then end up with the same hilariously wrong answers.  For example, 24-3= 0!   Yeah, definitely 0.

And when I told them that Monday is my last day, they were all indignant.  One student fell on his face.  Another turned around and just yelled, "why are you leaving?"  They looked so sad; I teared up too.  It stinks that I'm leaving when they still have four days of school left, but it feels like the right time.


And now, some pictures for your enjoyment!

And this has been my life for three weeks.  Monday, I say goodbye.