insecurities

I really felt like I need to blog a little about insecurity, maybe for my own sake more than anyone else's.  But first, enjoy some random tidbits!

Four of my kids fell asleep on me yesterday.  I told them in Kreyol, "we had too much fun, and now we're tired!"  

I saw a nasty, nasty dead dog on the side of the road today.  It was probably the grossest thing I have seen in my whole life.

I told one of the cooks in Kreyol, "You can tell me what to do!"  She told me to dance!  

I had a bottled Starbucks frappucino yesterday.  It was probably the most delicious thing I have ever had.

Tonight is the second time it has really rained since I've been here.  Rain is such a blessing.  It brings a lot of people water, and it really cools us off.  On the other hand, it can make things very difficult for people who live in tents or huts.

Today, we threw Martine (the caregiver at tree of life) a big birthday party!  It was so fun, and I hope she really enjoyed it.  I got to decorate her cake this morning with Brooklyn's help.  So enjoyable!

Speaking of Brooklyn, there is a family of five here, and I adore them.  It is really lifting my spirits to have them here.  I am really hoping to get to know all of them while they are here for a month!

I know that fast food is a dumb thing to miss, but I do miss it.  It is such a luxury to be able to go and get whatever you want whenever you want.  It's even pretty cheap.  Here, you don't really get to eat what you want.  The cooks make your food, and you don't have a say in it.  (Though it is a blessing to have these lovely ladies to make the food.)  Every once in a while, we do go to restaurants, but you still don't get exactly what you want and it's like $15 anyway!  A can of coke is $2 at a restaurant!  Eww.  

^ Thank you for tolerating my american moment of the day.

Anyone who knew me in high school knows that I was insanely insecure.  There was a time I truly didn't have any friends, and it transformed me from a 13 year old Californian girl with a million friends to a 13 year old girl in KY who did not feel good enough in any way.  If no one wanted to be my friend, surely it was because I really wasn't anything worth being friends with.  I always thought I was fat, ugly, dumb, awkward, annoying, etc.  I have found a lot of insecurities in common with other people, too - like when you introduce two people and they become closer than you were with either of them.  Back then, it was every little thing.  No one wants to sit with me at lunch because I'm a loser.  No one will talk to me because I'm not interesting.  When you fill your head with thoughts like these all day every day, you come home with a hate for the person in the mirror.  Why couldn't I be someone else?  Why couldn't I be the person people wanted to be friends with?  What was it about me that just repelled people?
Even when I started to make some friends in high school, I was always sure that they didn't really want to be friends with me.  They were just being nice, hanging out with me when no one else would.  I struggled a lot with feeling like my friends weren't really there for me when I needed it, and I went through a lot in high school that required good friends.  Sometimes I believed that my friends really loved me, but it didn't take a huge incident to change my mind.  I even had a few intense times during which I felt really confused and depressed about God's love; how could God see worth in me when no human being wants me around?
When I started at Asbury, I was initially doing rather well.  I was able to feel like people there really liked me.  Then my first semester roommate didn't want to room with me again second semester, and it completely fed into the lies that I told myself.  She doesn't want to be around you because nobody does.  Everyone is just really nice at Asbury, and that's why it SEEMS like you have friends when you're still not nearly good enough.  I mean, it really crushed me for a while.  It was really hard for me.
Then I went through the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore.  I was skeptical because books don't usually have a huge impact in my life.  And it's true that nothing in that book was radically phenomenal at all.  What did happen is this: I became aware of the fact that insecurity was the cause for my constant feeling of inadequacy.  I didn't believe that the problem was insecurity but that the problem was that I truly wasn't good enough.  Also, the problem wasn't that people didn't like me, but that I felt like people didn't like me and I dwelled on it all the time.  I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense, so you might want to reread that to understand what I'm saying here.  It's true that not everyone likes me, but I have many good friends who really DO love me for who I am.  As for the people who don't like me, it doesn't matter!  I really am valuable because of God's love for me; we all are.  When I realized how insecurity was holding me back in life, I was able to recognize instances and shut it down.  It's not a matter of will.  If I spend all day going back in forth between "they don't like me.  No, that's a lie; they do like me.  No they really don't," and so on, it could go either way at the end of the day.  Instead it's more like, "oh they don't like me.  Okay, that's probably not true.  God loves me; I love myself.  If they really don't like me, it doesn't matter anyway."
And I really do love myself, too.  I know a lot about who I am, and I know a lot about who I want to be.
So this past year has been really awesome.  Because I love being me, every single day.  I just love it.
But I bring it up because it's kind of hard again.  I had grown up this resistance to insecurity, but I was also accustomed to being around the BEST FRIENDS EVER!  Really, a shoutout to all of my wonderful Asbury people!  I really have such awesome friends.  So it's hard being here and sometimes feeling alone and feeling like people don't like me.
But it's coming back.  I do love myself, and God loves me.  So it's okay.  I realize that if I am feeling a little lonely, I really just need to spend some more time with God...
Okay... will do!

it's been too long since i blogged

Hey guys!

How are things back in the states?

I'm officially on my seventh week here... Crazy.  

Do I miss anything about the U.S?  Well...  Ice cream.  ...  That's it!

Things are still rough sometimes.  There are a couple interns that seem to hate me.  It's kind of difficult, but I am always comforted by a couple of verses.

John 15:18

"If the world hates you, realize that it hated me before it hated you."

1 Peter 2:19 (NLT) 
For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment.

Anyway, there's a team here from Minnesota!  It's fun having more people around the house, and I have enjoyed getting to know them.

There was a British medical missionary from Santa Barbara, CA at the grocery store this week.  I'm in love.  

(Just kidding, but he sounds pretty perfect, right?)

Do you ever have those moments where everything just comes together?  Like every event in your whole life has brought you to this moment of perfection.  When we were visiting our school in Williamson on Friday, some of the kids starting singing "Siyahamba" in Kreyol!  They taught it to me in Kreyol and Spanish, and I taught it to them in Swahili and English.  It was beautiful.  

We normally go to Tree of Life on Mondays and Thursdays, but it's getting harder for me every time.  Two times a week isn't a lot, and I find myself really missing the kids on days that we're not there.  If I can't handle two days without these kids, how will I ever go back to school?  I don't know.  I really don't know.

I still have a little over 7 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to all that we are going to be working on.  Hopefully, we are going to be working with the families of the kids who were at Tree of Life.  If we can find ways to empower these families to stay together, that would be fantastic.  I'm really hoping that will be the case.  Karissa and I might meet with Sister Ann today to talk to her about working with her boy's home.  I hope that works out too!

I'm sorry this blog is so random, but my head is all over the place right now!

As always, feel free to ask me about anything, and keep the blog comments coming!  

Love you all!
Shelbs

culture - let's talk about it.

CULTURE!

All right, listen up.  

Culture is not an evil thing.  Culture is a beautiful thing, but that doesn't mean that it's completely a good thing either.  

For one thing, I absolutely HATE it when someone's response goes in either hateful direction - for example "I hate Haitian culture" or "I hate American culture."  

Every culture is good and bad.  Every culture has good components, but every culture is also sinful.  The only perfect culture is the culture of the kingdom of God, which we should be striving to live in every day, but that culture isn't particularly American or Haitian or Indian or adfhjnaelrjngian.  

A particularly sinful aspect of american culture is materialism.  We want things.  We covet things.  We always feel like we need more things, and we have this underlying belief that this stuff will make us happy.  And it's a part of me, too.  "Maybe if I could just find the right dress, I would feel beautiful."  "I would really enjoy driving around in a nicer car." etc.  How can I "need" a new backpack when people in places like this get to eat one meal a day on a good day?  I could go on and on about materialism, but I think most of you know what I mean.

So that's the kind of thing that makes Americans - upon arriving here and watching someone share what little they have very easily with others in need - come to hate their own culture.  Materialism is sinful, yes, but there are other things about american culture that are good (like freedom of speech and a general belief in certain human rights).  

So it's really important for us to recognize the good so that we can embrace it and recognize the bad so that we can do our best to throw it out.  Most of us are raised with these values all around us.  The only people who escape the materialistic nature of our culture are the Amish.  As we get older and come to understand these things, we can make decisions about who we want to be and how we want to live.  

Wherever we live, we should be working towards becoming a part of the culture of the kingdom of God.  

For instance, a problem that is prevalent here is the syncretism with Voodoo.  Most people here have a strong faith in God, but they also belief in a lot of voodoo superstition.  Certainly, the spirit realm is real, and it is good that the people here are more aware of it than we are in American.  But it is bad to live in fear of these things because God is way bigger and way better.  Also, it is bad to trust in these things - for healing or good fortune or whatever - because our trust should be in God alone.  Some of the expatriates here think that denouncing voodoo is being insulting to Haitian culture.  I completely disagree.  Yes, it is prevalent in the culture.  Everyone was raised surrounded by voodoo, just like we were surrounded by materialism.  That doesn't make it good, okay, or acceptable.  It is still wrong.  Culture is no excuse for the evil in our lives, and like I said before, it is up to each of us to piece together the culture of our own lives.

This is my life, and I'm who I want to be (or I'm getting there, anyhow).

i hate today

Today was so difficult, and now I am just empty.

It's ironic that I wrote that blog yesterday about how much I love each of those kids at Tree of Life... Today half of them are gone.  The orphanage can't afford to take care of them, so they have gone back to living with relatives who also can't afford them or don't want them.  Roosevelt, Luciana, Woudnea, Jepson, Geurlande, Nathalie....  Gone, and I will probably never see them again.  And it hurts.  I cried and cried while we were there.  "Shelby criye!" said the children.  "Wi, mwen tris."  The kids were pretty heartbroken too.  We cried together, and we comforted each other.  Those kids...  

I mean, it's Haiti, so not a lot of things have surprised me.  I am not surprised when one of the kids is very sick or when we get delayed because of a manifestation.  Anything could happen.  I knew that some of the kids might leave, but I didn't think half of them would leave at once.  The tears aren't coming anymore, but I just feel broken.  My sweet, darling children.  I wasn't prepared for goodbye just yet.

=[

feels like home

Tree of Life is starting to really feel like home to me.  I love those kids so much, and I know they really love me.  When we are there, I just feel overwhelmed by their love.  They love to help me learn Creole.  Last time we were there, I found out how to say "I'm going to miss you."  Heartbreaking...  I don't want them to miss me.  It makes me want to stay forever.  It's hard to explain how I feel when we're there - like it's perfect and there's no other place I'd rather be.  Lovingtsky made me  necklace that says "Lovingtsky loves Shelby" in english and in creole.  He's such a cutie.  He and Woodnea and Jepson are totally BFF's.  Those three boys, all around age 10, are so hilarious.  I love their expressions.  And I love Anne Marie, who always makes fun of the way I always sing her name.  She is older and she always wants to dance with me.  Elemnia is 3, I think.  Her face kind of reminds me of a monkey.  She is a little more malnourished than the others.  She has the most adorable voice.  I love to sing with the kids.  They sing Justin Bieber's "Baby" and they replace it with my name -"Shelby, shelby, shelby, ohhhhhhhhhh," They also sing a song in Creole that translates to "Shelby loves all the children.  All the children love Shelby.  Shelby Shelby Shelby"  Elemnia has a sister, Kimberly George, who has the sweetest personality.  I love Judeline, who is 15.  She wants to learn english from me, so I'm planning on teaching her a little.  Luciana was my first love.  She ran to me the very first time I saw her, 5 whole weeks ago.  She has the biggest smile on her face all the time!  She smiles really big and closes her eyes like she's so happy she can't take it.  It's contagious.


I know this is pretty incoherent, but I don't ever want to forget these things.

"Mwen pral sonje tout ti moun nan Tree of Life."
I am going to miss all the kids at Tree of Life.

Ayiti, mwen ke.

life has its ups and downs

Well, yesterday was absolutely fantastic, but today was kind of rough.

We went to the Baptist mission yesterday - me, Karissa, Emily, Pat, and Jamil.  I definitely prefer the dynamic of smaller groups of blancs.  It was nice to just have girls' day with Jamil!  The two hour drive up there was absolutely beautiful.  I love the mountains.  We drove through Petionville on our way up, and it's crazy fancy.  It was actually probably the biggest culture shock that I have had since I have been here.  There was a RADIOSHACK.  There really was.  There were also high-end clothing stores, a party store, massive grocery stores, and the like.  It was rather overwhelming.  

We got to the Baptist Mission, and I ate chicken nuggets and french fries.  Weird, huh?  We also did some shopping.  I didn't get anything except banana bread.  They had lots of good stuff though.  I saw Kelli, a girl from Asbury.  She's here for the summer also.  Isn't that so random??  Asburians are so international!  We had a missions class together last semester.  Life is funny.  The mission also had a little zoo with the best monkey I have ever met.  The monkey was in love with Jamil.  You'll just have to trust me when I say that it's the funniest thing I have ever seen.  That monkey only had eyes for Jamil, and it looked suicidal after he eventually walked away.  We took a little while to take in the crazy beautiful view of the mountains.  It's also much cooler up there, so it was a nice break from the heat.  

Then Jamil took us even higher up to see the view.  We could see all of Port-au-Prince and the surrounding cities.  It was amazing.  We also met an artist who was painting the view.  He was awesome and hilarious.  

And in the car, we heard "When You Believe" from the Prince of Egypt on the radio.

Then we stopped at the fancy grocery store, which was really too much.  It was just like an American grocery store - maybe even better.  They had Caramel Tim Tams, which I have never even seen in America. I got some ice cream for $5.  Worth it.  I didn't buy anything else, though, because it was all very expensive. They had every kind of cereal - even Kashi!  It was ten bucks for a box of Lucky Charms.  Boo.

Anyway, it was really fun, good bonding, super funny, and overall amazing.  

Today was not so amazing.

For starters, today is father's day.  It just hurts, and I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to right now.  Everyone back in the states is too busy, or they went off to some other country.  I just feel like I have no means of contacting anyone who knows me very well.  I really miss the Kelleys (shout out to you, if you're reading this, Shannon.  I hope you're having fun in America!).  I'm okay with it when people don't like me. (I mean, there were people who hated Jesus, so why would I expect everyone to love me?)  It's just harder for me to take it when I'm already hurting.  During church today, I was just crying out to God - "God, I feel so unloved." And God reminded me that His love is all that I really need.  I'm sorry if this post comes off as a little too depressing; I just want to be real.  I'll be better tomorrow.  It's just a rough day.  No one can take my joy away from me because no one can take God away from me.  And don't forget Psalm 68:5.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling"

it's a riot

Get comfortable because this is going to be a long blog.

At the request of my mother, I must blog about what happened on Tuesday.  First, let me say that Haiti is not  a scary place, and I don't want you to be worried about me after reading this post.  So maybe you can just skip this blog and catch up again next week.  =]

Tuesday we went to Williamson to do more surveys.  It's about an hour and a half away.  On our way over there, we ended up talking about death.  I wouldn't regret coming to Haiti, even if I died here.  Do you know what I mean?  God called me here, and I am not afraid.  No matter what happens, I worked really hard to get here, and I don't regret coming.  Emily agreed with me, but some of the other interns thought I was depressed and suicidal.  I am definitely not seeking out ways to die!  "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."  It's a win win, ya know.  I win if I live, and I win if I die!  Anyway, this conversation seemed even more appropriate in the hours to come.

On our way back, I had been listening to music and enjoying the ride so much that I actually thought, "I don't care how long it takes us to get home.  I hope I get to enjoy this for hours."  Haha, way to go, Shelby.  Because then we got stuck.  There were miles and miles of cars going nowhere.  During things like this, there are a lot of people around, and information passes quickly by word of mouth.  The people of that community were having a demonstration (a riot) in hopes of getting electricity.  These are strong people, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals.  The first three or four hours were still very pleasant for me, in spite of some complaining.  I wasn't scared because we were pretty far away from the action.  We were able to hear the gunfire off in the distance, though.  I think that it was the first time I've ever heard a gun.  We found out shortly that three people died, including a kid.  At this point, a lot of people were turning around.  (By the way, there aren't a lot of roads here, so it's not like we could have just gone a different route home.  It would have been at least six hours to take a detour, and we didn't know the way or have money for that kind of gas.)  That's when I started to feel the gravity of the situation.  For me, it was hours and hours of just relaxing in the car, but for other people it was pain and frustration.  It might have been a good indication that we should leave when the police and the U.N. both deserted the situation.  Anyway, we waited in that traffic for a total of 6 hours.  We didn't want to be stuck out there in the dark, so we went to a restaurant nearby.  Apparently, a lot of people had that same idea because the restaurant was full of blancs.  We waited another hour or two around there to see if the riot would let up, but it didn't.  We tried to stay the night at Obama Beach Hotel, but they don't take credit cards.  We went to Wahoo Bay Beach, and they were booked.  I was mentally preparing myself for a nice little slumber party in the car.  Somehow, one of the other interns talked our way into staying into this room that they don't even normally rent out.  I think it might have been like a staff lounge that is also used for storage.  It didn't have any fans or A/C, but we didn't care too much at that point.  We finally got to sleep around midnight, and we woke up at 4 in the morning for part 2 of the adventure.  Here's the dilemma.  The electricity issue wasn't solved, so we anticipated that the rioting would begin as soon as the sun came up that morning.  I had a bad feeling that morning.  I really didn't want to try to drive through that area.  I didn't think we would actually die, but I did feel like God was asking me - "Are you really, really willing to die for Me?  Really, actually, literally willing to die right now?  Before you graduate college or get married or even finish your dream summer in Haiti?"  The half an hour drive back to that area where the riot was felt like a million years.  It was very eerie, and there were a lot of people awake and out (but it's Haiti and people get up early in the morning).  When we passed the entrance to the neighborhood without any trouble, we all rejoiced!  We were cheering!  Until we saw a couple of cars in the middle of the road that had been gutted and torched.  We were all quiet as we cautiously passed those cars, and we assumed it was just the remains of whatever happened the previous day.  A bit farther down the road, we came across a semi-truck that was perpendicular to the road, leaving just a very small space for us to squeeze by.  I thought, "wow, this isn't over yet.  We're not in the clear yet."  Then, farther down the road we saw the same thing.  With a blockade in front and behind, I felt so trapped.  It was still dark, and anything could have happened.  At this point, Emily and I were holding hands.  I kept hoping that if anything happened, it would happen to me.  I was prepared to die in that moment, but I was hoping that if I did, it would be able to be used as a witness to the other interns.  And then we made it past, all of us alive.  We drove and didn't see anything else.  We got back to the guest house at 5:30 in the morning, making our total travel time 18 hours.  We cancelled the rest of our work at Williamson this week, just in case.  We will probably be back that way next week, so I hope the issue will be resolved by then.

I was actually kind of glad to have the opportunity to do something hard.  We are so privileged and spoiled as Americans, even living here.  But being on the mission field has its challenges, and I came very aware of the possibilities.  I wasn't surprised by anything that has happened.

So anyway, like I said, don't worry about me.  =D

dimanch

Yesterday was the tour of Port au Prince.  I thought it was really sobering to see the capitol and how destroyed it really is.  To give you an idea of it, here's a picture.
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=910&bih=428&tbm=isch&tbnid=1VYZ5eo3I_8EeM:&imgrefurl=http://blogs.hillandknowlton.com/expoexpress/page/2/&docid=1dJgVOs8vQzitM&imgurl=http://blogs.hillandknowlton.com/expoexpress/files/2010/01/haiti-capital.jpg&w=474&h=316&ei=XUjVT7XJGoP69QTF-IjdAw&zoom=1
I've seen people get their picture in front of it, and they're all smiling and whatever, and it kind of ticks me off to be honest.  Are you really going to stand in front of evidence of such a disaster and smile and make it your profile pic?  I mean, really.  We're all so uncaring.  It's so much easier to relate to people who have the same kinds of problems that we have.  Blah.  Anyway, it's not really time for that kind of rant right now.
Today was SUNDAY FUNDAY!  It was really great.  We ate some good food, swam, and played.  I'm exhausted in that lovely way that only comes after being in the pool for hours.  =]

I had another lovely friend ask me some questions, so here I am to answer them.

What is the most common word/phrase the kids know how to say in English?
"What is your name?" is probably up there.  Sadly, "give me one dollar," is also very popular.  I don't blame them though.  I would probably also ask every American for one dollar if I were in their shoes?  The rest is often random, and I don't ever know what the kids are going to know.

What do you use most often in Creole?
How are you?  Koman ou ye?  What is your name?  Koman rele?  How old are you?  Ki laj ou?  And of course bon jou and bon swa for greetings!

What are you most looking forward to during the rest of your time in Haiti?
I'm definitely just looking forward to knowing the kids better.  It's rough though.  Because at the end of this summer, I will know all of them and they will all know me.  I will love all of them, and they will love me.  They will just be starting to trust me, and then - I will abandon them.  Being a short-termer sucks.  I look forward to the day that I settle down somewhere, whether that's America or Haiti or Pakistan or whatever.

What have you enjoyed most so far?
Hmm, that's a hard one!  This whole summer has been just full of so many whirlygigs.  There have been a lot of things weighing on me, so I haven't been quite as carefree as I usually am.  Most of the things that I really enjoy are bittersweet anyway.  You know?  Like when a kid in the orphanage falls asleep with his head in your lap.  We made a movie here at the guesthouse, and that was really fun.  I also really, really like church. I'm sorry that this answer is so incoherent.  I guess I don't really know what one thing I have enjoyed the most.

What's something you worried about when you went to Haiti, but ended up not being a big deal?
I wasn't really worried about much.  I don't know.  Most of the things that I were concerned about really are about as big of a deal as I thought they might be.  The food thing isn't is hard as I thought it would be, so that's good.  Everyone makes fun of me for being a picky eater, but I do still find enough to eat at meals.  =]

Are these questions OK?
Yes!  Any question is a good question!  I appreciate your effort.  The more often you try, the better your questions will be!  I definitely like less absolute questions a lot.  I appreciate long-answer, open-ended questions, as evidenced by my answers to Anna Beth's questions earlier this week.  I really do love any question though, so keep it coming!

Okay, it's going to be another crazy week!  As soon as you get used to one thing, everything changes!  Well, it's an adventure, anyhow.  I get pretty bored if things are the same for too long.  Tree of Life tomorrow.  Love love love my kids!  =]

you've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time

Well, things have definitely gotten better.  After a few heart to hearts with some of the other interns, I feel a lot more hopeful about the rest of the summer.  The song that has been getting me through this struggle is "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  

"Scars and struggles on the way, 

but with joy our hearts can say. 

Yes, our hearts can say.  

Never once did we ever walk alone.  

Never once did You leave us on our own.  

You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Even if all the other interns were against me (and they're not), I would still not be alone.  "I'll go, but I cannot go alone, because I know I'm nothing on my own."  That's also from a song!  I could never make it through all this without God, so it's a good thing He's here.

Also, my adviser back at Asbury sent me an encouraging verse.

"For I am the Lord your God

    who takes hold of your right hand 

and says to you, Do not fear;

    I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Yesterday we went to tree of life again to do our hope lesson and craft.  I think I finally know all of the kid's names over there.  Those kids are just starving.  What does it take to starve to death?  Those kids are so hungry, but they're still so happy.  Yesterday they sang a song to me, 

"Shelby renmen ti moun.  Ti moun renmen Shelby."

After they did my name, they did the other interns names too.

It means, "Shelby loves the children.  The children love Shelby"

And I do.  I love them very much.  

We went back to Williamson today.  We meet so many people who have one meal a day - when they can get their hands on it.  And me, I'm hungry when we skip lunch.  There's enough food in the world for everyone.  Did you know that?  I'm not sure what the stats are anymore, but a couple years ago World Vision reported that there was something like enough food in the world for every person to eat 5 lbs of food.  We are just really bad sharers.

My brain is a little muddled today.  Hopefully I can get you a slightly more coherent blog in a few days.  =]

I really appreciate everyone's comments and encouragements.   So keep it up!

mekredi

Well, hello there.
Let's just get really honest here.  I love it here, but I don't want to lead you all into believing that every single thing is perfect.  So it's about to get real.  The last few days have been really rough.  There are five interns right now, and we're just very different.  We all have conflicting views about ministry and every detail of how things should get done.  We get along all right when we are just hanging out, but we break into a fight pretty much as soon as we get to the field or talk about it.  To be even more honest, I have had my first, my second, and my third crying session of Haiti in the past couple of days.  It's just really hard not getting along and struggling to make sure that we just do what's best for the kids.  So just pray that the team will be unified and that after all this mess is cleared away, we will have still shown the love of Jesus to the people we meet in this country.
Yesterday we went to FPCH to do our bible lesson of the week.  It was about hope.  The children decorated crosses.  Also, when we went to Tree of Life this week, they had all proudly hung up their suns from last week.  ADORABLE.  I'm thinking about what it would look like to spend the night at FPCH one of these days.  It was Ali's idea.  It would definitely be roughing it more than usual, though I don't mind.  Mostly, I'm just not sure I would want to be alone there, since I don't really speak a lot of Creole yet.  Today we went to Williamson to continue surveying the communities.  After about three more families, the survey started to feel unnecessary.  Yes, they're hungry.  Yes, they need water.  They probably lost their job.  At least one person in the house is sick.  Their garden is all dead because Williamson didn't get enough water this year.  Hearing the same things over and over is really hard.  It was good for building relationships, though, and I really appreciated the opportunity to pray for these families.  I hope that WWV will have the opportunity to help the community.  Who knows, though?

Anyway, FINALLY someone listened to me and asked some questions to give me some ideas about what you would like to hear about.  Thank you very much, Anna Beth.


'Ello luv! I was wondering, what is your absolute favorite thing about Haiti? Also, do you feel like Haiti is a place God could be calling you to work in the future, after graduation? Why Haiti? Is there anything in Haiti that you think is better than the way it is in America? What's your next craft going to be? At what point did you realize you were called to be a missions major?


So, let's take these questions one at a time.
What is your favorite thing about Haiti?
My favorite thing - that's a hard one.  It's probably the outsideness of the culture.  Everything happens outside.  It's true that it includes things I don't want to see, like guys peeing and burning trash.  But people cook outside, people hang out outside, people sing and dance and party outside, people walk most of the time.  In America, if you drive down the street, you might see one guy walking his dog and two kids playing outside, but mostly you see cars and houses.  In Haiti, you see people, people, and more people, doing anything you can imagine.  It's good stuff.
Do I feel like Haiti is a place God could be calling you to work in the future, after graduation?
Well, SOMEBODY hasn't read my blog in full, as this is a subject that I touch on often.  It's possible.  I really don't know.  I'm definitely not opposed to the idea, but sometimes I wonder if it's really where God would want me to spend my whole life.  There are enough serious Haitian Christians to evangelize the rest of the country, if you know what I'm saying.  Sometimes I think about what it would be like to go to an unreached people group.  Also, I know that I would be able to be understand culture better if I stayed and ministered to people in America.  All I can do is seek God and trust that He will eventually reveal the next step of my life.  I am pretty sure about what I'm doing until May 2013, so I'm all right.
Why Haiti?
After I became a missions major, it was really frustrating not to be called to a particular country.  People always wanted to know where I would go, but I was equally excited about going to any country in the whole world!  I didn't know how I would ever figure it out.  I prayed about, but I eventually stopped trying so hard to figure it out.  And suddenly, I just wanted to know more about Haiti.  I was looking up things about Haiti during my spare time and just wanting to know more and more about the country.  Before, I wanted to go anywhere!  And still, I am willing to anywhere.  But more and more it became that I just wanted to come here.  I would do anything to get here.  And I did!  Look what God can do! =]
Is there anything in Haiti that you think is better than the way it is in America?
First of all (and this isn't meant to bash you in any way), comparing cultures in that way is generally negative. To be clear, all cultures have their sin and all cultures have their merits.  Jesus is not in any culture more than any other culture, except for the culture of the kingdom of God, which is the one that we are called to be citizens of.  I don't think you meant it like that, but it's just one of those things for me.  It really bothers me when people come here short term and "realize" that American culture is just so evil because it's greedy and materialistic and whatever.  You know, they have less here, but people are still greedy, because people are sinful.  Not all people here are greedy, but neither are all Americans.  Am I making sense here?  I think that you were moreso looking for superficial things though, and I will be happy to tell you some of those.  I love the fresh fruit here - mangoes, pineapples, watermelon.  I feel like we don't really get a lot of fresh fruit in America, especially not straight off the tree and into my mouth!  Like I said, I like that things are outside.  That's all I can think of for this question.  Really, things are just different, not better or worse.  I like the crazy fun that is driving in Haiti, but I also like the much better safety of driving in America.  I like the landscape better here, but I like the weather better in California.  It's all like that.  That was probably a longer answer than you wanted.  Haha.
What is your next craft?
My next craft is going to be something with hearts.  I think we are going to try to make heart bracelets, but I have to check the craft closet and also do some hardcore pinterest research.  Even when living here, I still procrastinate.  That craft won't be until Tuesday though.  We will be doing the cross craft again on Tuesday.
At what point did you realize that you were called to be a missions major?
Well, I knew that I wanted to go to a Christian college so that I could grow and learn more about God and experience good Christian community (success!).  I knew that I wanted to give my entire life to God, not just Sundays and 10% of my income from whatever job I can find.  So, at first, I wanted to be a youth minister.  I thought a lot about why I wanted to do it though.  You know how so many kids want to be teachers, but most of them don't end up being teachers?  My theory is that their desire to be a teacher comes from the fact that the most influential person in their life is a teacher.  The person who they see doing good in the world is their teacher (if they had a good experience).  I think that this is why I thought a lot about being a youth minister.  The people who made the biggest impact on my life on that time were Michael and Emily Romans. So I wanted to be like them so that I could make a difference too.  After I realized that that was why, I kept thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.  I read the Bible and just saw God's heart for all the nations (If you need some specific examples, I would be happy to provide those.)  I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and you know that I still don't really know.  However, I wanted to be able to do ministry to all cultures, and now I am very well-informed about that sort of thing (though missionaries are lifelong learners!).  If I could go back to freshman year, I would definitely not change my major.  Even if I end up doing some other kind of ministry or opening a business so that I can provide jobs to those in need, I will be grateful for Asbury and all my missions courses.  I have learned so much in the past two years, from so many experiences in ministry and in the classroom.  I wouldn't trade my education for anything.

lendi

New pictures up on facebook if you're interested!
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150850137252773.401053.505817772&type=1&l=b95c6b727f
I hope you enjoy them!

So, the last couple days have been very frustrating for reasons I can't really elaborate on here.  It's just difficult throwing together a team full of people with completely different motives and visions.  You can't really expect everyone to get along immediately.  So, we're working on it, and hopefully we will be able to get past all of our differences.

Today we got to spend all day at Tree of Life.  It was a good reminder of why I'm here.  I love getting to know the kids.  FORREAL.  I don't know how I'll ever leave them, but I'll just have to put the whole thing in God's hands.  I think I might start giving the 16 year old girl who helps out over there some little english lessons when we visit.  Maybe she can help me learn Kreyol at the same time.  Who knows?

This was the longest we have ever been at Tree of Life, and it was really cool to see the daily routine.  At noon, the kids have praise and worship time.  They sing, dance, and pray.  It was so fun.  A lot of those kids clearly love Jesus a lot, and I'm really excited about helping them grow in their faith this summer.  This week's lesson is going to be about Hope!  Good times!

I haven't been feeling well the past two or three days.  I have what I would politely call "traveler's tummy."  Anyhow, I haven't been feeling like eating, so I haven't eaten much.  I better try harder to do that.

Well, it seems like I'm getting into the boring details no one wants to hear about!  If you want more interesting blogs, post questions and comments.  Ask for my opinion on anything Missions-related, and I will be very excited to answer.  =]

thoughts and blessings

Hey guys! I hope everything is going well in whichever part of the world you each live.

It's been a huge blessing to have more interns here now. Also, Shannon's friend is here. She is a lovely, encouraging girl named Elizabeth Ann. It's been great to play and get to know each other a bit. We went to Wahoo today for a fun day. I'm excited for church tomorrow and planning out the bible lessons for the week. It's been sad not having Ali around, though harder to notice because I'm surrounded by people. I hope she finds a fantastic opportunity somewhere else around Haiti.

I still get really anxious whenever I think about going back to America in August. I'm getting vulnerable, giving my whole heart to the people of this country - to the precious children who long to be held and sung to. The orphanage staff seems pretty caring, but there just isn't enough attention to go around. It's so hard for me to be aware of my impending departure. Three months just is not a long time at all, you know. But it's not my ministry. It's God's. God was here first, and He will still be here after I leave, even though there will most likely be no one from WWV to keep the ball rolling. I can't try to take it out of God's hands (not that I could be successful in doing so), but I have to trust Him with it, with my darling children.

First world problems. https://twitter.com/search/firstworldproblems Are you familiar with the phrase? It has been coming up recently to describe the way we first worlders are so picky about everything - things that would be nonsensical to the less fortunate (for example, I hate it when my iPhone freezes, I hate getting gas, I hate grocery shopping, it's so annoying when a bird poops on my Corvette. Get the picture?) I think it's great that Americans seem to be having an increasing awareness of the disparity that exists in our world. How can things like iPhones even exist in a world without basic necessities for all? That's the question, isn't it? And if we are really becoming more awake to this issue, what then is the next step? We are at a crossroads, as usual. Should we go back to sleep? It's a viable option. It's hard to see the starving children. I'll never be able to feed them all. We can easily go on living our luxurious lives without even giving the whole thing another thought, right? In fact, this is the much easier option, and we all get to keep our cars, phones, and big houses. We can continue to be as comfortable as we have always been. As we get older, we can continue to strive for even more comfort. One day, you can die at the age of 84 in a four-post bed in your four bedroom house. Congratulations. Seeing what the world looks like didn't change you.

How else could we respond, anyway? Well, only being aware of the difference between first world and third world can help you take yourself less seriously. Is it really so bad if you have to make an appointment at the apple store two days in advance? You have a car, access to a mall, electronics, and a stable enough society to feel relatively safe on the ride over.

Philipians 2:14
Do everything without complaining and arguing.

Well, as if it wasn't something that we are all called to do, it's even easier for us.

The rest is pretty obvious, even though we might try our hardest to avoid it. Give it away. Give it all away. Who needs it anyway? All we really need is Jesus. I don't mean that you need to literally give away every single thing you own. In fact, with some things, it is irresponsible to sell it. My computer, for instance, is pretty essential (though definitely not completely essential) to my ministry and also to my education, which God has called me to as well. I probably couldn't sell it for nearly as much as it is value to me. However, I strongly encourage you to take baby steps. Maybe this week, try to cut out one first world thing - going to the movies, buying some new clothes, eating in a restaurant, or buying a new game. Be creative, and do whatever you want! And you can take that $10 or whatever and do something that makes someone's difficult life a little easier. Give it to World Vision, Heifer International, etc. Whatever kind of organization you think is effective, you can support. There are microloans, food, shelter, jobs, etc. Or if you want to get really hands on (and I recommend that you do), take a homeless person out to lunch or purchase some supplies for some organization that works in your neighborhood. Volunteer. Get out and do something for once.

Just to be clear, this isn't some social justice rant. Of course, I believe in justice, and I believe that our God is a God of justice. What it really comes down to is love.

Today I was thinking about how much we all love ourselves. I love myself so much that I want to sit in the front seat without offering it to someone else. I love myself so much that I want to buy some jewelry as a souvenir for myself. I love myself so much that I want to have the best friends I can have. In fact, I went all the best I can get for myself - the food I like best, the comforts I like best, the agenda that I want, etc. Am I wrong? Don't you also love yourself that much?

I think it's important for us to think about how much we love ourselves when we think of what Jesus said. We should love others as ourselves. That creates a huge problem for us, doesn't it? Does that mean that I WANT someone else to get the front seat? It sure does. Does that mean I should want to do what someone else wants to do? YEP! Because when you really get into it, Jesus is telling us that we should want what is best for others the way we want what is best for us. It's exactly like the way GOD wants the BEST for us, even if it means the worst for Him - like sending his son to live like a poor man and die like a criminal. Do you ever think about how Jesus was materially poor? He was born into a modest family. Obviously, God could have had Jesus born in the richest, most influential family... But He didn't, did He? Yet, Jesus fed and healed others because He wanted the best for them. Even more than that, He died for us because He wanted the best for US! How can we love like that? We can't but with the Spirit in us, we can definitely work towards that. And it starts with putting others before ourselves, humbling ourselves, and taking the worst and lowest for ourselves. And THAT is why we should be feeding those who don't have food and helping everyone with less than us. Because when you see that picture of a starving child, you should love them and want only the best for them, even if it means less for us.

And I'm certainly not there right now. I mean, I love them and want what is best for them, but just take a look at where I live. With WWV, I live well above (and I mean WELL above) Haitian standards. My problems right now are still first world problems. Today, I had to take a shower in the dark because I didn't have electricity. Yet, I still had a shower, soap, shampoo, the promise of electricity later, music to listen to, a towel, etc. The list goes on and on. Today we were delayed about an hour because of a wreck. Yet, we still had a car. And we were on our way to a beach resort. So it's still a first world problem, isn't it?

Just a little something to think about. I'm sorry if the blog was too long or deeper than you were in the mood for! Please comment and question, especially if you disagree with anything I said or are confused about anything.

Much love from Haiti,
Shelbs