back to my heart

Let's begin with a video of Honduras that Jessica made.  =]

http://www.youtube.com/0RuxLNeR0Jw

(Note: If this link doesn't work at first, try again in a few hours!)

You know, the past couple months have been kind of hard.  There were parts that were fantastic and beautiful: spending time with my best friends, graduating, seeing my family in South Carolina, and going to Honduras for 5 weeks.  But all the while, it's been nagging me.  That feeling that my life is falling apart.  That "what am I doing?" feeling.  I knew exactly where I was going; I had every last detail figured out.  And even faster than it came, it flew to pieces.  It doesn't help that others have asked me a thousand times in the past few months: "what's next?"  It's not their fault.  They don't know how much baggage I'm carrying with that question right now.  In all of it, I've been so bogged down.  It's caused me to rethink all of my plans - Haiti or not Haiti?  Children or something else?  Who?  Where?  What?  In the midst of all these questions, none of the answers sounded exciting anymore.  All of this is hard to admit.  I'm not entirely past it at this point, but I finally see some sun, some answers that do get me excited.

I was looking back on some old facebook notes, from years ago.  (Totally a God thing.  I haven't looked at these for years, and I just suddenly felt like I needed to see them again right away.)  Back when I was just a baby Christian.  I've got to give myself some credit here.  Although I may have been wrong about many things, I was headed in the right direction, the direction that has gotten me this far anyway.  

For starters, I saw a note that I wrote about what I should choose as a career.  A test that I had taken (my Sophomore year of High School) listed the following among my top few choices: Child and Youth Worker, Motivational Speaker, Clergy, Religious Worker, Humanitarian Aid Worker, Community Worker, Special Ed Teacher, etc.  I find it pretty hilarious how accurate this is.  And one of my best friends commented on it at the time that I should be a missionary - 5 YEARS ago.  And though those quizzes that tell you what you should be when you grow up might be a little silly, it was a really good reminder for me.  This is where I've been headed for a long time - the main pursuit of my life for quite some time now.  It's not falling apart because of a minuscule setback.  Not long after that, I posted another note.  It was about what I want to do with my life.  The conclusion that I came to then was that I wanted to love God and love people.  I mean, we really complicate things sometimes, don't we?

This is the heart of who I am.  I love God, and I love people.  Where I am and what I'm doing are just chapters, and I know these things will change as I go.  

So I'm in the process of looking for an organization to work with, and who knows where it will be?  I go back and forth.  On one hand, my heart is in Haiti (and I know I will be back there, even if it's not soon).  On the other hand, there's so much world out there, and I want to experience it.  

Meanwhile, I'm staying at the Hogan's House in Maryland.  I'm very blessed and very glad to be with them.  =]

Even when we can't remember it, mysteries are exciting adventures.

Here's the song that's been in my heart lately.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/33ixWHymZos

My two favorite parts of the song:

"Thirteen - I've got brand new eyes.  Fourteen - Everything's a surprise.  Fifteen - not a day that I regret.  Love is endless."

"Count out loud all of the ways that life is good on different days.  Things can change, but love always stays the same.  Count out loud, it never ends.  The list goes on and on again.  Forgive, forget, and your let your life begin. Love is endless."