I am Peter

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

This song.  Oh, this song.  The first time I heard it I thought it was pretty good.  Yet, the more times I sang it, the more times it became the prayer of my heart.  After all, who doesn't want to walk on the water?  To go on a grand adventure with God and experience the unexpected, wondrous beauty?  I think most of us do.  Just like Peter, we see Jesus out there, standing on the waves as if they're nothing.  And they are nothing to Him; He has overcome them already.  We see it, and it's glamorous.  It's cool.  It's exciting.  And we ask God to take us there.  At least, I asked God to take me there.

And what is it like?  Well, it's exactly what the song says.  I am in deep.  Deeper than my feet could ever wander.  My feet my fail; in fact, they have at times.  When I've tried to do any of this on my own, I've felt myself start to sink beneath the waves.  And all the while, I've been hoping I can keep my eyes above the waves.  Yet, I find myself looking down, wondering why I was crazy enough to get off of the nice, cozy, happy boat.  When you're falling into the waves, the boat looks pretty okay.

This place is deep.  I never would have gotten here without Jesus, just like Peter never would have walked on the water without Jesus.  But it's not a one time decision, or even a weekly affirmation.  When you stop trusting God, when you start to be afraid, you will start to sink.

And the beautiful part, one of the beautiful parts, is that even though Peter got scared and doubted his position walking on the water, Jesus still caught him.  He didn't let him fall and tell him it was his own darn fault.

My feet will continue to fail, but I hope and pray that I will keep my eyes above the waves.  

And if you, you beautiful person you, are still sitting in the boat - with the comfy cushions and hot chocolate - I want you to know that there's so much more to see.  If you step out of the boat, out of your comfort zone, and let the borders of your trust fall down, you will get wet.  And muddy.  And hurt.  And ridiculed.  And sometimes humiliated.  But somehow, the life you will live will be so much greater, and you will never have to wonder....

What if I went for it?  What if I gave it all?

What if I went to the place that I cannot survive on my own?

I'm not a teacher

"I'm not a teacher."

How many times in my life have I said that?  A bajillion.  I'm not a teacher.  I didn't major in education.  I never wanted to have a career in teaching.  I even took one education class to make sure, and I hated it.  Yet, here and there and everywhere, people seem think that I am.

In a lot of ways, I've been teaching forever.  I always helped my peers in class, and I eventually was a peer tutor after school.  Then I went to Honduras, and I taught first grade.  Now I'm in Haiti, teaching a first grader and 20 University students.  I spend at least 30 hours a week teaching.

"But maybe... the truth is that I love it."

I love it.  I love people.  I love watching people learn.  My real passion is teaching people about Jesus, but (right now, at least) that mostly just happens through hoping my life can be an example to someone.
But I also love watching a child go from hardly being able to read a single word to being able to read long sentences and understand different sounds.
I love watching college students study hard in hopes of changing their communities.
I love it when students come out of their shells.
I love the bond that is formed between the teacher and the students.
I love that I can laugh with my students.
I love that they asked me to preach to them.
I love that one of my students taught me how to drive a moto and subsequently promised me that I can call him whenever I need anything ever.
I love watching my students get passionate about learning and try harder and get better and better grades!
I love when my students enjoy a hard quiz because they say it makes them think.
I love the way they always want to learn more.
I love that they gave me a Haitian name that signifies how much I have to learn about Haiti.  (I'm here to learn.  Bring it on.)

Sure, there are things that I don't like.  I don't like it when my students turn in something really late or don't show up for a quiz.  Then they beg me to give them points for this and that because they're not getting a good grade.  Gah.

Yet those things are completely eclipsed by how fun it is to be a part of their education, a part of their dream to make Haiti a better place.




My name is Asefi, and I am a teacher.

pa regrete

No regrets.

I've thought for a while now that I'll probably get a tattoo that says "no regrets" some day.  The phrase means a lot to me.  The very first Christian event I went to - in 8th grade - was themed "No Regrets."  But I didn't start to follow Jesus after that event.  Why?  Maybe because I wasn't ready, maybe because I wasn't desperate for Jesus yet.  But I look back on that weekend, and though it was fun, I really hate the message they were preaching.  Their version of no regrets was:

 "Don't do anything you would regret.  Stay on the straight and narrow path.  Make the right decisions."

And I thought that Jesus wasn't for me; even at age 13 I had a lot of regrets.  I was having a terrible time in school.  My parents were divorced.  I was bullied by a lot of kids at school, and the administration wouldn't do anything about it.  I was a goody-two-shoes who didn't fight back.  I hated school so much that I practiced smiling in the mirror when I was at home because I thought I would never have any friends if I didn't pretend to me happy.  But in actuality, I hated everyone and everything, and I had a lot of things to regret.  

It was too late for me.  I had already made mistakes.  

Life went on, and things got worse.  No need to go into it, but we all have tragedies, right?  Mine might have been worse than yours, but it was definitely less than many people in the world, especially in places like Haiti.  

So, at this point, you might wonder why I would want a "no regrets" tattoo.  Well, when I was 15, Jesus got to me.  (Happy 5 and a half year anniversary, Jezi!)  And for quite a while, I still had regrets.  But Jesus worked on me, in so many ways.  A heart full of hate became a heart full of love, even for those who hurt me.  A girl with the lowest amount of self esteem that a person could possibly have became a girl who completely loves herself in every way.  A smart girl who would've chased the American dream gave it all away to love marginalized children.  If you knew me then, you might not even recognize me now.  As my good friends will tell you, my real smile is nothing like my fake smile.  

And here's the thing - I really do love myself.  I love every dark part of my heart that Jesus has cleaned (and even the parts that still need a bit of work).  I love my body and my voice and my brain, even if I forget half of everything.  I love my future and all the questions in it.  And here's the kicker, I love my past.  I didn't ask for the horrible things that happened.  There's no reason to think - what if?  Anyone's life would have been different for a couple of if's.  If is a waste.  If is a complete waste.  But I don't regret anything that has happened to me.  If I did, I would be regretting who I am.  Who I am isn't regrettable; who I am is a beautiful child of God.  Who I am is proof of a miracle, proof of my God who turns ugly things into beautiful things, dark into light, hate into love, death into hope.  

I will always carry these light scars, the kind you can only see if you scrutinize me very closely.  If you find, I'll smile and tell you all about how God really has used everything in my life for His glory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, I want you to take a second to reflect on that first part.  I tried to look up what I thought would be "no regrets" in Creole, and instead I came across a new idea in my mind - "Don't Regret."  And where I am now, I think that this message is actually more important for me.  I've healed from the wounds of the past, and I love who I am.  But I still fail at the no regrets thing because I sometimes regret where I am now.  That might be even worse than regretting the things of the past.  I regret things as they're happening.  How did I get in this or that situation?  Could this have been avoided?  Was it my fault?  I should have this; I should have that.  Learn from your mistakes, yes, but we all need to stop with the if's!  Don't wonder if things could have been different, if your life would be better right now if this or that happened instead.  You could never know.  And even if it could have been, your life could have also been something worse.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

All that to say, don't regret.  Don't regret your past.  Don't regret your present.  There's no way to really love yourself and love God with all that regret in your heart.  

God will make something beautiful out of this, even out of your current situation.

chat mwen (my cat)

Tonight, I am very thankful for my little new friend, Quincy.

Quincy has won the lottery.  If anyone else would have purchased him, he would have been Christmas dinner.  But not I.  Quincy is my new best friend.  He is snuggly, playful, and ADORABLE.

What does it take to be a cat lady?  Is it in the number of cats or how much a person loves cats?  Because I really love cats, and Quincy might end up being the most well-loved cat on this whole island.  (I will definitely never let anyone eat him.  Though, I will be in the states for Christmas...  Uh-oh.)

Would anyone like to mail me some flea medicine for Quincy?  Please and thank you.

Yesterday, Lena and I had the house to ourselves.  We had a beautiful friend-date, complete with grilled cheese sandwiches and a mentally disturbed man lingering in our doorway.

I would like to let you know that I will only be blogging once a week (Saturdays, 4 PM) from now on!  I would like to provide you all with a little more meat and substance in the blog.  For more frequent updates, check out the facebook page!!  Facebook.com/shelbloveseverywhere

And now, enjoy a picture of Quincy and a piece of the musical Lena and I wrote yesterday.

death to all spiders

This week, I got two beautiful letters from good friends.  A long letter is nourishment for my soul.

This week, I shelled peanuts to make peanut butter.  The orphanage makes their own because it's cheaper.  Fun times!

This week, Shannon and I killed a giant spider with Clorox and a baseball bat.  I'll admit that killing a spider with a bat is very cathartic.

This week, Shannon and I attempted to learn how to drive a moto... To no avail.  More updates on that soon.

This week I taught a short English class at the orphanage!  I love those kids.

This week I had several legitimate conversations in Kreyol.

I should really write more things down because I basically forget things the moment after they happen.

So while my students were taking a quiz, I took my shoes off to sneak up on a cheater.  It worked, and my class DIED of laughter when they realized what I had done.  My class loves me, and I LOVE my class!

All in all, it was a good week!

And I'm happy to announce that you can now make a monthly donation using the "Donate" button on my blog.  Anything you can do would be very welcome!

Love to you, wherever in the world you may find yourself!