further in

New Year's Resolution:  Blog once a week!

So, I hate starting every blog with an apology that I never blog.  But I just want to say that I appreciate everyone's prayers and financial support for all the places that God has taken me so far!  And here I am in Amsterdam, and this ministry sure does keep me busy.  But still, I want you all to know what's going on and what God is doing!

I relate well to travelers, to people who aren't exactly sure whether they're coming or going, to people who struggle to answer the question of "where are you from?"  I, myself, hesitate to say whether or I'm from California or Kentucky.  Whether I came to Amsterdam from the states or from Haiti. Whether or not I'm going back to the states when my time here is over.  Actually, I'm happy to go wherever God calls me, and I'm content not knowing that yet!  (But pray for that!)

I think that working in a hostel requires even more faith than working in an orphanage.  I mean, before I could say "I really see how this girl has grown" or "God is doing so much in her life."  And here, most of the people I interact with are here for one or two days.  Sometimes a week, rarely a month.  But everyone leaves.  Of the 30 staff members when I started, only one or two are left.  And new people are always coming.  I feel like I'm usually just planting the smallest seeds and hoping (as with real plants) that something will grow somehow.  But in the end, they always check out, and I'm forced to put it in God's hands and hope that He'll put other people in their lives to show them the way.

And He will, but they may still not listen.  As one of our former cleaners told me "people don't like to think."  And I think it's true about a lot of people.  I think questioning the purpose of our existence is one of the hardest things to do.  Because when you come face to face with the question "Does God exist?" you're also face to face with the question "Is there nothing?  Is it all meaningless?"  To avoid the latter, we avoid the former.  We'd rather live on a surface level and be content with our lives the way we are - whether we find meaning in our jobs, ourselves, our relationships, etc.


Being here, I've had so many conversations about God; I've told my testimony a million times.  I've heard questions I never even thought about before, and sometimes they're not questions I can easily answer.  And those questions force me to look again at those two questions.  But when you go deeper into hard questions like - "Is it all meaningless?  Does God really exist?"

And I know there is a truth.  I mean, we're not talking about a cat in a box that is dead and alive at the same time.  God is this or that or both, but He's not either.  Do you know what I mean?  God is good or he's evil or he doesn't exist or he's sometimes good, sometimes evil, but you can't say He's either.  If I believe in a trustworthy God, and you believe in a manipulative one, there is no peace there.  We can't agree to disagree; one of us is wrong and one of us is right.  And if you think it's an important question, then you have to ask it.

So what I'm trying to say is that if you let yourself live in a constant battle of these questions, you'll find the truth.

That God exists, He's good, and He's passionate in His love for us.

“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!”

mosaic

i'm strong, like a mosaic
a million broken pieces, a collage
that only makes sense when you see it all at once
truth is, i'm as broken as you
but i will dance in the midst of missing puzzle pieces
because life never gets perfect; it wasn't meant to be
i can't wait for the answers that never come
or wade through the mess and confusion
i'm trapped in the walls of my own mind; aren't we all?
even if i got out, the world wouldn't make sense to me
we could walk 100 years and still be ourselves
we'd add lots of colors
beautiful, broken shards of glass

someday we'll get there
put it all together
see ourselves from far away
and the mosaic will make sense

highlights

These past two and a half months have been amazing.  I can't believe how much has happened and how quickly the time has passed.   This picture is from my very first day, and only a couple of these people are still here.  But the exciting thing is that the current staff is almost all staying for 9 or 10 months.  And they're just as lovely as the wonderful people who have left already.  

 Seriously, the staff here is wonderful.  We've got mostly Germans, some English people, a few Americans, and a few Dutchies!  

So, my schedule is pretty irregular.  I occasionally work in the cafe.  Like, for example, these delicious Nutella frappucinos.

I'm also a cleaner supervisor, which means I get the opportunity to work alongside some great people who usually don't know Jesus.  We keep cleaners for about a month, and we have daily devotions with them.  It can be a pretty exhausting shift, but it's also the most rewarding!  Check out some of my favorite cleaners: Kostas (Greek), Marco (German), and Etta (American).

Bust most of my shifts are at reception, and I love it!  Welcoming people into the hostel is super great.  

I should also mention that I've seen some beautiful and fun things.  Amsterdam is absolutely full of history, old buildings, and cool museums.

I've also had some really awesome roommates, like Rachel (from Iowa) and Rebekah (from England).

This is the cafe, where I get to have a lot of conversations with guests, cleaners, and staff!

Enjoy a few more pics of the people I love, pictured below.  ;)

Oh, and don't forget that time that Rachel and I organized a hostel night, complete with games, a message, and a dinner for about 50 people.  It was a masquerade theme, and I talked about being authentic with God and with others, and I played a song on my uke.  So fun!

These past couple months have been full of firsts.  Like destroying a guitar with my bare hands.  Biking more than I ever have before in my whole life.

More importantly, they've been full of God.  Worship on the patio.  Sharing my testimony a billion times.  Devotions and small groups and praying together.


So there's a short glimpse into my life.  Let me know what you want to see!  Sorry about the long blog silence.  More to come!

what would you have done?

I find it hard explaining to people why I came to Amsterdam.  But I know why I'm here.  Does that make sense?  Of course it doesn't.  Just the ramblings of a scatterbrained adventurer.

What I mean is that God is up to so much, and I know I'll be seeing the puzzle pieces fit together.

And one of those pieces is human trafficking, which you will be hearing a lot more about in the future.

But for now, I'd like to give you a glimpse into the "sheltered" life to which I'm quickly adapting!

I live in a staff house with like 35 other crazy people.  It can be a little hectic when it comes to sharing the kitchen or doing our chores, but I am in love with each of these people.  It's the kind of community that I know we're meant to live in, yet rarely able to find.  They encourage each other, bless each other, cook for, clean up after, worship with, cry with, dance with each other.  It's a beautiful place where broken people come together to make a gorgeous mosaic of love for Jesus.

I have two roommates.  Rebekah, the Brit, and Nicola, the German.  Our room is the best, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  I sleep on a top bunk, so it feels a little bit like being in college again. 

The house is like a 10 minute bike ride from the hostel.  Biking here feels a bit like playing crazy taxi.

I'm typing this blog up from the reception desk.  I'm starting to feel very comfortable behind this desk, but tomorrow I'll leave my comfort zone again and have my first cafe shift!  I was excited about cafe when I thought it would be Starbucks-esque, but I've learned enough to know that involves quite a lot more cooking!  Since I'm only proficient in making grilled cheese sandwiches, this whole hostel is in for a fun surprise!!  Holland is playing Argentina right now, and I don't need to watch the game to know every single time something exciting is happening in the game.  The entire city holds its breath when someone might score.  It's so much fun to watch the World Cup from here.

Twice a week we have Ministry Training Program.  Today's MTP was about leading Bible Discussions, which we have in the hostel every night. 

I love Amsterdam because everything is so accessible.  If I want pizza, I can just walk down the street until I see some.  Besides that, the entire city is steeped in culture, history, beauty.  I love the canals.  I hate biking.  I love stroopwoffels.  I hate the red light district.  I love hagelslag.  I hate coffee shops. I love people. 

I finally got over to the Anne Frank Huis last night.  (Finally might seem off since I've only been here a week, but the house is literally a five minute walk from the hostel.)  The house was a lot bigger than I thought.  Still, it was a very emotional experience to think of so many people in hiding and so many in concentration camps or dead.  Still, the number hardly compares to the 27 million in slavery today, but we hardly talk about it.  Why is that?  Is it just easier to talk about problems we used to have than problems we have now?  Is this the truth of every generation - that it is so easy for us to say we would have hidden jews or we would have freed the slaves, if we had been alive in that time?  But when it comes to the reality of today, we close our eyes.  Because the truh is more than we can bear.  To find justice in all of it, we would have to sacrifice so much.  Or we could turn the other way, and that's so much more attractive of an option, isn't it? 

Because the would-haves of a different time mean nothing for today.  We both know that today has its own problems, tragedies, and injustices.  In 50 or 100 years people will look back and say, "If I had been alive in that time, I would have ..."  But you're the one that's here now.  And would you have?  Would you?  Are you?

So the question is the same as it always has been and always will be.  What's your life about?  What would you do if you were alive now?

planes, trains, and bikes

What a whirlwind these past few days have been!  I finished saying goodbye to friends in KY on Sunday, and I arrived at the Amsterdam airport on Monday.  My flight was delayed, but the 8 hour flight went by faster than I expected.  It seems like every single person speaks English, but the signs are all in Dutch!  So the airport was interesting, but not too bad.  I took a train to Central Station, and some girls I work with were waiting at the Starbucks with a sign.  It was adorable.

So far, things have been crazy, trying to figure everything out and get to know everyone.  Yesterday, I biked for the first time in forever.  It was insanely stressful, but at least I didn't crash!  I'm starting to know my way around the city a little bit.   I had my first training shift at the reception desk yesterday.  I love it.  I think reception is going to be super fun.

Well, that's short, but I have MTP (Ministry Training Program) here in a minute.

So tell me, what would you like to learn about Amsterdam and Youth Hostel Ministry?

~P.S.  I wrote a lot of blogs my last few days in Haiti, but if you only read one of them it should be - my baptism .

Thanks! =]

reverse culture shock, fundraising, partying, and the rest

Well, these 6 weeks have been such a whirlwind, and I'm so ready to move on!  I've enjoyed being in 10 cities in 6 states and seeing countless friends.  It's always strange to see how people have changed, grown up, moved on, and filled the place in their lives that you once were.

Doing all this running around, I can tell you that reverse culture shock is real, but I haven't found it to be as affecting as I might have anticipated.  I think it would be a lot harder if I were moving to the states right now.  The main shock is that nobody is paying attention to me.  As a white person in Haiti, you can expect a lot of attention all the time.  It's weird to be back here and see everyone going about their business, oblivious to those around them.  The second thing is that there are too many options.  "Should I get a chocolate milk or juice?  Or wait, what about soda?  No, I should get a Starbucks thing.  Wait, that's too expensive.  So is the orange juice.  Maybe a Snapple?  Wait, am I really even thirsty?  Is there a water fountain?  Wait, I should just get one.  I'm sure I'd like any of them.  Or none of them."  And that's why shopping in America gets difficult!

I used to be somewhat frustrated that fundraising only got me what I needed for the time, even though I've never need much (relative to other missionaries, I need 1/12 or 1/20th as much funding).  So why does it seem like it's just as hard for me to get a few thousand dollars a year as it is for them to get a 50 k a year?  I know so many people with stories about how God provided thousands of dollars at the last minute, or how they got a check for the exact amount, down to the penny, when they had told no one they needed funding?  So thinking of all these amazing stories, I said to God,

"Why doesn't that ever happen for me?"

And God, almost sarcastically, as He sometimes is in my own mind, said, "Good question.  Tell me about all the times I called you to something and didn't provide what you needed."

"Oh... right."   The truth is that I never have come up short in the end.  I never cancelled or postponed because of a lack of support.  I've been blessed financially over and over, and I've never felt afraid that God wouldn't provide in the end.

Speaking of which, I'm fully funded!  (Which means, you can reasonably expect me not to ask you for money until at least July 2015!)  But on a serious note, I am so thankful to each of you.  Whether you gave $5, $500, or just committed to praying for me in Amsterdam, it means the world to me!!  I'd like to give a special thanks to Greenhill UMC in Bowling Green, KY; Stevensons Chapel in Russellville, KY; and Catalyst Christian Church in Nicholasville, KY.  I am in awe of your neverending support and happy to be partnering with you in ministry!

These past 6 weeks have been challenging in some ways, refreshing in others, and exhausting in terms of hopping around from couch to floor to air mattress!  Coming back to the states, you find lots of people who have forgotten about you, but you also find lots of people who are there for you just as beautifully as they always were.  For each of you, I am thankful!

If you wanted to give, but didn't get the chance to, feel free to get me an Amazon gift card.  I'm trying to build up a good library of books on human trafficking to read this year!

Love to all!!

Prayer Requests:
That I don't get lost in the airport or train station this Sunday/Monday!
That the staff will work well together, build each other up, and strengthen one another.
That the kids in Haiti will be well taken care of.
That the hostel will see many people this year begin a relationship with Jesus!

my baptism

The first four months were a valley.

The second four months were a mountain.

For four months, my cup was empty.

For four months, it overflowed.

It's not like the first four months were horrible.  Trust me, I'm naively optimistic so much so that you could set me in a literal fire, and it would still take me four months to notice.  I was forced to choose every day - will I die to myself or will these ideals waver?  Can I really spend so much time encouraging, loving, and serving with a smile on my face, when no one is around to encourage, love, or serve me?  And I guess the answer is yes, but it wasn't easy.  (And it's not like I never failed.)  But those first four months were refinement, pruning.  Pruning away not the bad, but the unnecessary.  Leaving me with nothing for myself except Jesus.  (And that's how I was forced to test the idea that Jesus is my best friend.  He is, but that wasn't easy either.)  

But the second four months were water.  Being refined and grown through joy and love instead of loneliness and hardship (again, I didn't even recognize it as hardship at the time.)  God's love rained down on me.  Ample time to know Jesus better.  Beautiful children to sing and dance and love and laugh with.  Every day a perfect day.  Every day the best day of my life.

And both of these seasons were... short.  It's always short, isn't it?  But doesn't each once seem a lifetime when we're living it?  

Yet, I come out of these two short seasons a completely different person.  I was emptied out and filled back up again.  And here I am.  I'm so excited for everything that is coming in the next couple months.  I will run all around America and then end up in Amsterdam. 

These 8 months were a baptism, a death and a rebirth deeper than the ones I had previously known.

When I joined my church - Greenhill UMC - I was asked if I had been baptized already.  I said that I thought I had been because my mom had told me that my grandmother had baptized me as a child.  They said that people don't usually get rebaptized unless they just really want to.  At the time, I felt super awkward about it.  I had never even seen someone get baptized.  I didn't really see the point of it, so I said no.  Then, when I was in college, I saw a lot of people get baptized at one point or another, and I sat in a lot of discussions at school about whether baptism was necessary for salvation.  I knew many people that thought it was, but I felt strongly that my relationship with God was more important than whether or not I had been baptized.  I didn't want to get baptized just to cover all my bases for Heaven.  I also felt awkward because I wasn't particularly making a special decision for Jesus at that time; I had already known Him, loved Him, and served Him.  

Then I felt like God was telling me I would be baptized in Haiti.  And honestly, that sounded awkward to me too.  I told God that He had to work out the details if that was really what He wanted.  

And then I forgot about it, completely.  Without class discussions to make me feel like somehow less for not being baptized (or at least not remembering my baptism), it was hardly ever on my mind!

And then, for my last Sunday here, I was invited to the baptism of a friend.  And suddenly, I knew, and I was so excited!  I hadn't even spared it a thought, and God worked out all the details behind my back.  I asked if I could be baptized too.  Basically everyone I know here was there to celebrate Jesus with me, and it was absolutely fantastic!

To top it off, it was at Saut Matherine, Camp Perrin, which is literally the most beautiful place I know on earth.

And it just seems a fitting way to spend my second to last day in Haiti, especially since these 8 months have been a baptism in and of themselves. 

All I can say is .... wow.  God's cool.

Goodbye, Haiti.  Thanks for all of it.

woman of valor

The fundraiser continues!  If you donate $100 to my ministry in Amsterdam, I will write a song about you!  3 lovely people have taken me up on this offer already.  Here's a song I wrote for my dear friend, Megan.  It's inspired primarily by her, but I stole some of it from Proverbs 31.  Enjoy it, and go over to www.youcaring.com/LoveAmsterdam to donate $100 or more and get your own song!

alone

When I was in college, I had a lot of friends.  Like a ton.  And I loved everyone on campus so much.  I felt like I could have chosen any of 1300 people to be friends with.  And so many people have told me - "you could be friends with anyone!" or "you will make friends anywhere!"  And honestly, I believed them wholeheartedly.  I mean, I'm so sweet, right?  Who wouldn't want to be my friend?  My first four months here, I only had one friend.  She was going through a lot and very unstable; it was mostly one-sided.  But I didn't blame her.  Still, I rarely had the opportunity to get out of the house, and it was hard not having friends.  

So I thought when I moved to the orphanage, it would be easier.  When I finally got the chance to hang out with the missionaries who live on the hill in Cite Lumiere (there are a lot of white people in Cayes, it turns out), I just didn't click.  To me, their gatherings felt forced, dreaded, like none of them even wanted to be there.  [If any of you happen to read this, I'm sorry.  That's just what it felt like to me.]  I was so lost.  This is a gathering of missionaries.  Shouldn't it be vibrant?  Shouldn't we be praying for each other, bearing each others' burdens, and encouraging each other?  I didn't even feel like people wanted to get to know me.  After a couple weeks, I stopped going.  

College was so much easier.  Everyone is thrown in at once, forced to find friends to survive.  In the real world, everyone you meet is in a different place in their lives, and not everyone is looking to make a new friend.  But I'm a young missionary.  Shouldn't the older missionaries all be trying to take me under their wing, make sure that I'm okay, and show me the ropes?  Why have I felt so much on my own these last 8 or 9 months?  

The truth is that they should be something that they're not right now.  The truth is that they should have noticed me and invested in me.  But I'm not here to talk about them.  I'm here to talk about me.  Why would God call me out of a place of so much love and friendship and into a place where I felt so unsupported?

Maybe it's because He wanted me all to Himself.  I do believe that God calls us to live in community and to have close relationships with others, but I think our need to be loved is meant to be filled first and primarily by Him.  And only in this time of not having anyone else, was I able to learn and grow and find that I really don't need anyone else.  I really don't.

[Side note: I also want to say that I am really thankful for the friends I have made in the last couple months, even though I don't get to spend ample time with them every day, like I used to be able to with my old friends!  I'm a part of a little house church that I love, and I spend a lot of time with Ashley, who also is living at the orphanage.  I'm so thankful for her friendship and even just to have someone with whom I can process life and watch movies (my two favorite things).]

what's good about me?

If you're reading this blog because you like me or you think I'm a good person, you should know... It's not me.  If I didn't have Jesus, I'd be your run-of-the-mill two-faced, insecure liar.  I'd be practicing smiling in the mirror, like I used to. 

lack of stillness

If you're like me, then you might find it hard to have quality Jesus time when you never seem to have any personal time or personal space.  Ever since the baby came, I've found it harder and harder to find a moment alone.  I love this video because I'm singing about how it's never still or quiet and everyone keeps talking and interrupting me.  =D

yet another post about calling

The short and sweet blogs continue.

Because sometimes hashing things out is good, and sometimes it actually detracts from the point you're trying to make.

So I just want to remind you today that, though God does call us to specific people/places/situations, He first and foremost calls us to:

Be in relationship with him

Love all people around us

Enjoy Him and His creation

Feed the hungry

Love the lost

Visit the sick and imprisoned

(And some other important things too!)

But none of these require you to relocate!  So love the place where you are now, and find ways to serve God there!  And love people there!  And cliche cliche cliche, but enjoy this song, which is about how my best friend learned that exact lesson.  [Disclaimer:  It's not like she wasn't doing anything the whole time she waited to move to her place, but she did learn along the way the importance of not waiting to be love.]

mission

It's hard to stay focused in life, so here's my tip of the day.

Because I never want to live a day without remembering my purpose, I have (and constantly rewrite) a mission statement.  So I'd like to encourage you to write one for yourself, and put it on your mirror or somewhere else you'll see it every day!  Read it or say it out loud, until you have it memorized.  And then write a new one!

If anyone actually does this, I'd love to read yours!!  Here's mine.

I exist to know Love, to know Jesus.  A day without time with Jesus is a wasted day.  I have no other purpose in life than to delight in Him and in His work.  I work because I delight in Him, but He loved me when I did nothing.  All my love is for Jesus, and through Him, my heart is for this entire world and everyone in it.  May every day be a day I seek Him, know Him, and love Him more than yesterday.

20 random things about Haiti

1. Haitians like Celine Dion.  This is why I know how to play "My Heart Will Go On" on my uke.

2. Water trucks play music.  It reminds me of ice cream trucks when I was a kid.

3. There are motorcycles, literally everywhere.

4. Most people speak Creole, but they also know French if they went to school.  Sometime richer people are very condescending and refuse to speak Creole.

5. People eat rice and beans everyday.

6. There are hardly ever paved roads.

7.  Even though it's something crazy like 98% deforested, there are still palm trees everywhere.

8. People generally say hello to teach other when walking down the street, even though the streets are always filled with people.

9. It's sunny and humid.  Always.

10. EDH - city power - is on whenever they decide for it to be on, which could mean half the day or it could mean 20 minutes a day.  Wait and find out!

11. People don't say "swim" in the ocean.  Instead "bathe" in the ocean, which makes sense because many people will actually bring soap and even shampoo to the beach!

12.  People don't say they need to use the toilet or go to the bathroom but literally translated - Pee is holding me.

13. People build their houses one step at time, when they have the money.  So unfinished houses are everywhere.

14.  Most people go to church.  Whether or not most people know Jesus is questionable.

15. They think only crazy people have afros.

16. There are random dogs on the street, and I hate them.

17. I've never gotten sick off of anything on the street, though I believe I have been sick from (I think) washing my dishes/brushing my teeth in the water.

18. People hate drinks that aren't cold.  Maybe I'm the weird one, but I'd much rather have room temperature water than nothing!

19. Most people own a nice set of glasses/plates, even if they basically live in a shack.

20.  If you live with someone, you share everything.

I've been thinking lately that I'm so used to Haiti, that it's harder for me to recall any differences.  So I imagine going back to the states won't be shocking at all, but the truth is that I've probably forgotten a lot of things!  I hope I'm not in for a rude episode of reverse culture-shock!

That's all for now, and enjoy my 10 straight days of blogging!

amsterdam

When I left Maryland last August, a guy who I barely knew was part of a group of young adult Jesus-lovers who were praying for me.  He said that God was telling him to tell me this: "Some really hard things will happen in Haiti, but those things are not the end."

At the time, I thought this might be a clue to the fact that I would be staying in Haiti a long time, persevering through many obstacles.  After all, I had originally attended to stay for at least 5-10 years.  I had no intention to stay 9 months and then leave.  It's funny though, because the words were true.  Some really hard things happened, and they were not the end.  Then I got to this beautiful place, where every day is filled with joy in the Lord and laughter with beautiful children.  When things were easier, the end showed itself.  There are a million reasons to leave, but there are a million reasons to stay too.  Like Gregory, Maya, Sania, Fiona, Suzie, and the rest.  But none of those reasons matter.

I explain this better in this video, so watch it if you haven't yet!

July 1st, I start a 6 month contract with a hostel in Amsterdam.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!??!?!

I'm sure this seems a little out of left field to you.  It did to me too!  As I said in my video, I'm not leaving for any reason other than God is calling me there now.  I was so surprised, but I'm also excited!  I asked God to give me the amount of money to stay in Haiti for how long He wanted me to stay.  When I got the money I had planned for each month up to May/June, all the money coming in stopped suddenly.  Then I applied to work with www.youthhostelministry.org, and they accepted me!

The three pillars of their ministry are to:

Practice hospitality.

Pursue hearts for Jesus.

Live in community.

I am so excited about all of those things!  I'm really excited about being part of a team, since I've been somewhat on my own the past 9 months.  I'm also excited that they are committed to learning and growing together, through life as well as curriculum.  

This is an example of a schedule of some of the things I will be doing!  

Fortunately, I was able to save a lot of money on my original budget for Haiti - mostly by eating oatmeal and grilled cheese sandwiches and being frugal.  So I have about $1,000 left over from Haiti, and these 6 months in Amsterdam are only going to cost about $3,000.  So I'm raising $2,000, and I would really appreciate it if you could pitch in!  I'm also having some fun things and incentives.  Check them out at Love Amsterdam. 

Prayer Requests:

That I will make the most of my 27 days left here.

That I will have a restful, lovely, fun, and non-stressful 7 weeks in the states as I visit 7 different states and try to see lots of friends and family before I leave for Amsterdam.

That the girls will take the news well and not spend our last month together upset with me.

My Maya might be going home with her mother, which could be a good thing or a bad thing.

Love all of you!  Please let me know your questions!

And now, catch up on the videos from this week!

 

body image

Sometimes I think about what this blog should be.  But I just want it to be everywhere that my passions intersect with glorifying God, you know?  So here is today's soapbox.

I know this isn't tumblr, but trigger warning: bulimia.

I thought I was always fat.  Looking back, I didn't even start to get somewhat chubby until 6th or 7th grade.  But I don't remember a time in my whole life that I didn't think of myself as fat.  You see, my parents were obese, and they didn't want me to be.  They had good intentions, but they didn't know how to eat right either.  Instead, they made me feel guilty whenever I ate bad food.  Which was hard because bad food was what was always around.  From a very early age, I associated food with guilt.  But I was already addicted to junk food and fast food.  So I would eat in secret, disguise my guilt.  But I also dieted.  I spent a lot of time outside, trying to be the skinny kid I thought my parents wanted.  I remember spending hours running up and down the stairs outside our house.

And thankfully, that's all it was at that time.  I felt a lot of guilt about eating, but it only occasionally affected my life.  (No need to get into the specifics of those!)

When I was 13, a lot of really hard things started happening in my life.  I gained 25 lbs a year 8th grade, 9th grade, 10th grade, and 11th grade.

When I was in 8th grade, I was bullied a lot at school.  My California attitude just did not fit in Kentucky.  I lost all my good outlets - volleyball, girl scouts, friends to play outside with.  I ate a lot because it was the only comfort I knew.  But the guilt followed me.  I don't think anyone at school even ever said much about my weight, but I had always been told I was fat by my parents.  In my head, there was no way that the mistreatment at school was unrelated to my fatness.  I skipped breakfast and avoided eating at school.  (In fact, I had a friend at the time who insisted I was anorexic.  I managed to joke about it enough to persuade him not to ever tell an adult.  He brought it up daily, and somewhere deep down, I wished he would tell someone so that I could stop.)  Because after school, I would come home, ravenous, to a usually empty house, and eat everything in sight.

After binging, there were only two options.

Binge - Guilt - Purge - Relief
or
Binge - Guilt - Resist purging - More guilt - Lots of crying

So while I fought it, it was also the only relief that I had available to me.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't be a normal person, normal-sized, eating food in normal ways.  I was smart enough to know that eating disorders - especially bulimia - don't even really help you lose weight.  But the guilt was unavoidable, so why not give in to the relief?

I tried harder to eat less.  I sometimes went 3 days without food.  I remember one time that my headache was so bad from not eating for a couple days, that I begged my mom to stop for McDonalds.  She bought me a happy meal, even though I was 13 or 14.  She also told me I wasn't allowed to eat anything else that night (though I probably did anyway, in secret).  I just remember it reinforced this idea in my head - people as fat as me don't even deserve to eat anymore.

And maybe someone out there is reading this, who has felt these feelings before or is feeling them now.
And I'm sorry because the only way I can really actually help is through a one-on-one conversation.  Please feel free to message me sometime, anytime.  It would be a great honor to me to help you on this.

But I know that my experience is not normal.  Most people heal very, very slowly.

When I was 15, I was ready to die.  (I've talked about this on the blog before, so I'm not going to go into it now.)  In desperation, I cried out to Jesus, knowing that if He didn't answer, there was nothing worth having in this world.  But He did answer.  And after that night, I knew that I should never have to feel that guilt and shame again.

Though I did, it was never as strong.  Only one time after that night, did I relapse.  I was at a party, and I had been dieting well.  But at the party, I ate a cupcake.  I was frustrated with myself, and I went to her bathroom, and I just had to erase my mistake.  So I flushed my mistake down the toilet.  And I knew that that was worse.  That what I was doing to my body was worse than eating a cupcake.  That what I was doing to my mind was worse.

And since then, I still have the occasional urge to purge.  My last one was about 6 months ago.  But I thank God that this urge amounts to nothing more than "I can't believe I ate that.  I wish I didn't.  What if?  No.  Never again.  No matter what.  I love myself the way I am.  My love for myself cannot be negated by one thousand cupcakes."

So, that was a long story, but not necessarily all I wanted to say about this.

Like I hinted at, I've been "on a diet" pretty much all of my life.

Only twice have I ever actually lost more than 10 lbs.

The first time was when I was a senior in high school.  I lost 36 lbs.  I bought a senior prom dress that was much smaller than my junior one.  When I tried the dress on to show it off, someone told me, "that would look so good if you lost 10 more lbs/"  That was the exact moment that my diet died.  Because I realized that no one, especially not myself, would ever be satisfied.  I could never be skinny enough, be pretty enough, no matter how many days I got up at 4 am and worked my butt off.

In fact, it wasn't until a year and a half ago, that I discovered a blogger named Laci Green.  She talks a lot about how our society shames fat people and expects, even wants, them to hate themselves.  "If I'm insecure, you should be at least as insecure as I am with that body!"  It might sounds silly, but it's really true.  I had experienced this my whole life.  It was then that I realized that I could love my body, skinny or fat, ugly or pretty, pimply or clear-skinned.

And the truth is that you will never have a healthy body without a good body image.  You might be skinny, at least for a time, but your mind is not healthy if you only love your body when it looks a certain way.

And that's why I know that this is the time I will lose weight, whether it takes a year or 10.  Because I will never give up on my lovely body.  I care too much about it.  I will always try to eat healthy, but sometimes I will eat a cupcake.  And I LOVE that cupcake.  I do not feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, just excitement that I get to eat something delicious!  And the power in the thought that tomorrow I can eat something healthier.  Or maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll slip up or maybe I'll make a conscious decision to indulge.  Either way is okay.  And if I hate myself for it, that's just a silly reason to hate myself!  And it doesn't help anyone.  And it's not worth it.

Since September, I have lost 36 lbs.  (I know, again.)  And it's like some sort of test because I have been wavering around that number for about 4 months now.  Maybe I will work out and eat decently my whole life and never get to that minus 37.  God knows I have much farther than that to go.  But if it's a test to see how much I really love my body, I will pass.  Because there is no guilt in the cupcake, but there is pride in every workout, every healthy decision, and every time I decide to spend energy instead of sitting around.

Just remember, loving your body when it is a certain way, is not loving your body at all.

missionary confessions

So I've been thinking lately about my "public image," or whatever.  Some people who follow me on social media always think I'm having a fantastic time, and some people seem to think I'm having a horrible time.  The truth is that you're both right, and you're both wrong.  Being a missionary is like putting your life on expert mode.  (And I mean that whether you're a missionary fully and absolutely committed to Jesus in America, Afghanistan, Haiti, or wherever else.)  If you're going to do this thing, really go all in, it will be the most horrible, hardest, heart-wrenching, the most beautiful, lovely, amazing thing that you ever do.

And because I want you to do it, I want to be honest with you.

Missionaries (or, I prefer the term "cross-cultural minister" because I'm a strong believer in the priesthood of all believers) are often, often put on a pedestal.  It's like the epitome of being a Christian - rising to some level on this imaginary hierarchy that makes me somehow holier or better than same-cultural minister (Yes, I did just create that term).  It's like I'm winning at being a Christian or something.

So that's the first thing I'd like to debunk with you.  Perhaps one of the most important things I learned at Asbury is that your JUNK follows you.  I saw it first when I was a freshman, and I realized that my insecurities and self-esteem issues followed me into my new group of wonderful people.  But, more importantly, we talked about it all the time in my classes.  If you're going to be "good" at ministry, you need to have yourself taken care of first.  And that means a million things.  If you've worked on yourself at all, you know it's like this:  you usually start with these huge, horrible issues in your life.  When you finally get past that, you are able to see more clearly the big issues that you still have.  And then they seem like big issues, and you keep working on it, but more and more you see your own problems - problems with yourself, problems relating to people, problems with sin, problems in your relationship with God.  As far as I know, this will literally never end.  But once you refuse to keep looking, you can't grow.  If you're not growing, you're not going to produce much fruit.

All that to say that people who serve in cross-cultural ministry are not the "best" people.  People who love Jesus with all their heart, every single day, are the best people - shining the love of Jesus all around.  

Missionaries are not perfect, especially when they stop looking for the junk to clear out inside their own selves.  And you, reading this blog from the same town you were born in, are not any more or any less.  You are equally responsible to take care of your own issues and to spread the love of Jesus all around.

So, now this tricky thing happens on social media.  Because I am committed to being authentic firstly.  Secondly, I don't want you to ever put me on a pedestal.  Thirdly, I want you to want this life I have - I firmly believe that this Jesus-loving life is the best thing anyone could ever have - and so I don't want to make it sound bad, when it's really so good.  I might post on facebook how it's annoying to get harassed on the street, lose power while I'm in the middle of something, or deal with Haiti's lack of personal space.  I want you to know that the tone in this is a JOKE!  Yes, it's hard sometimes, but I try not to take my life or myself too seriously.

But I want you to know that it's not all rainbows, laughing children, and beauty.  So I'd also like to take this opportunity to talk to you about the real problems that burden me from time to time.

1 Other missionaries.  I put this one first because it's the number one reason missionaries go home from the field.  It's harder to imagine when you're living in the states, but I have a pretty good understanding now.  I think it might be especially hard from my point of view, having gone to college to study all this.  Not that I know everything.  I could get my Masters in cross-cultural evangelism, and I still wouldn't know everything.  But lots of people here have no training at all, and they come in with a lot of assumptions and oftentimes an american superiority.  They already know the best way to do everything, and if Haitians knew it, they would be better off.  Everything the way they know it is right, and everyone else is wrong.  A lot of the problems with Haiti were caused by NGO's, foreigners, and even missionaries.  Besides that, it can often be hard to work or even have discussions with people who have extremely different philosophies of ministry.  Since I'm mostly on my own, I don't have to have those conversations all the time. Though I do have to have a lot of conversations with

2. Haitians.  Now I'm not saying Haitians themselves are the problems.  But it can be very difficult for Haitians and Americans to work together.   I have these kind of conflicts all the time.  Most of the time, it's easy for me because I have a pretty laid-back personality.  The less laid-back missionaries are here, the worse they are!  Between differences in time, money, perspective, everything, it's so hard for people to agree!  And it's hard to come here to serve people who don't really understand you or what you're doing.  I once told a Haitian my entire testimony, and her takeaway was "so you really like watching movies because you were alone a lot as a teenager."  No, actually, that couldn't be further off base, but thanks for reducing my entire testimony of tragedy and beauty and grace to my passion for movies.  And because I don't have an "actual job" here anymore, I'm often seen as lazy and useless!

3. Money.  Living off of other people's money is hard.  I'm blessed with frugality in general, but I'm not against all whimsical things one can buy.  Furthermore, it's impossible to budget generosity.  If someone I love needs something, must I say no because it's simply not in my budget?  I've seen missionaries swing to both sides.  I know tons of people here spend hundreds of dollars to get american food and products shipped in each month.  Is that wrong?  Living in Haiti is hard; isn't it okay to have some things that are still american?  Then some people live without electricity, without any forms of convenience.  Does that mean all missionaries should?  I read once that missionaries should all live at the lowest means they can without it taking away from their joy and ministry.  I think that's a pretty good rule, but is it still okay if I buy a coke sometimes?

4. Personal time and space.  This is probably actually the biggest one for me.  I tried making signs for my door that say - Come in! or Knock on the door; maybe you can come in or Don't knock on the door.  Come back later.  Ha.  I'm not sure this system worked for even one day!  It seems to help sometimes, but lately with the babies being here, there is a lot more "don't come in" times, which seems to inspire everyone to come in anyway or knock on the door and run away to get my attention - even my negative attention.  Furthermore, it makes me look like a jerk because most Haitians have a very open door all the time policy.  Yet, I recently realized that I am introvert.  For a long time, I confused my outgoingness with extroversion.  But the truth is that I need a lot of time alone - to read the Bible, to journal, to write blogs, to breathe, to take a shower, to work out etc.  I am at my best when I have plenty of time to take care of myself and be energized and in order when I'm spending time with the kids.  [Side note: lately, this has been much worse because of the babies and my friend Ashley who is taking care of them with me.  I used to be able to take care of my introverted needs while the kids were in school, but now I feel like I only have time to squeeze in half or a third of the time I need.  And meanwhile, it feels like I never spend time with any of the other kids anymore!  Babies are hard.]

5. Calling.  When I came to Haiti, I thought I would be spending the rest of my life here.  I was 21.  I guess "the rest of my life" didn't seem like a huge thing to commit to.  (If you're reading this, and you're one of my dear friends about to graduate from college, please remember that "what you're doing after college" is not equal to "what you're doing for the rest of your life" and is consequently a much smaller deal than you're probably making of it.  I know.  I've been there.)  Now, I'm 22, so I'm so much wiser!  Just kidding, I'm sure there are things I will look back on at 23 and think "I can't believe I was so naive, silly, weird."  But I love it!  It's a process of growth!  Sorry for getting a bit of track there.  What I want to tell you is that God's calling on your life is a constant, dynamic, changing, living thing.  I think a lot of people think they will figure their calling out, and it will be smooth sailing from there.  At least for a good while.  And then once you're here, you're almost immediately bombarded with - "is this where I'm really supposed to be?  How long am I supposed to be here?  Am I doing exactly what I should be doing?  Is God now calling me to somewhere or something else?"

Well, those are the 5 biggest issues I am faced with, and maybe some of you other cross-cultural ministers out there can relate.  But I want to leave you with 5 more things.

1. This is the rich life.  It is hard, but every struggle is worth it.  Even being mistreated by some people and misunderstood by other people is worth it.  Because it's all for Jesus, who treats me right and understands everything I've ever been through.

2. I choose to be this person every day, every moment.  Or I should say that I do some moments and I don't at others.  Because I'm the farthest thing from perfect, and I'm not any more qualified than you are to be here.  But whether I'm here or you're there, every moment is fresh, is new.  A chance to choose Jesus, whimsy, adventure, and service.  Or a chance to be selfish, hurt, frustrated, or angry.  Because it's very easy to be those things, especially here.  If I was looking for a reason to be upset, I promise you I could find a new one every day!  But I'm looking for reasons to bless the Lord, which is why I started my 10,000 reasons journal a month or two ago.  I'm not even to reason 1500 yet, but I'll post the highlights when I get to 10,000 in like December?  Hahaha.

3. Love the place where you are.  Love it with all of your heart.  I'm sure it's hard to love sometimes.  Haiti is hard to love sometimes, like when I'm walking down the street and guys are legitimately mad at me if I don't give them the time of day.  Then I get to the grocery store, and there are no chicken nuggets or frozen pizzas.  Nor the fruits and vegetables that I would want.  Nor extra sharp cheddar cheese (except for that one time).  But I love Haiti.  And maybe not for any particular reason, though I love the beauty and the trees and the weather.  And obviously, the children.  But there's only one really huge reason, at the bottom of it all.  Because this country is full of people whom God loves.  And it is for that reason that my facebook is "Shelby loves everywhere."  More specifically, it might be called "Shelby loves everywhere that God's creation exists."  But that's a mouthful.

4. Embrace the challenges in your life.  Now hopefully your life is not quite as hard as Job's, but I'm sure you face your fair share of problems.  Stop and think.  This is what I had to do.  I realized after I went through all that unfairness I went through my first four months here.  I got to the orphanage and life still wasn't easy.  And I was mad for a minute there, or maybe for several days, because wasn't this part supposed to be easy?  I worked so hard to get here and then - it's still really hard?  And then I realized, is that what I've really been looking for all this time, is that the pot of gold I want at the end of my journey, an easy life?  Now think, if my life were easy, if I always had all the things that I want out of life, what kind of a testimony would that be?  Would people recognize that my joy could only come from God?  No, they'd say, "of course she is happy and loves the little children.  Her life is perfect!"  So change your perspective.  Because every obstacle in your life is a chance to show people how good God really is.  But I feel like most of the time we let it show instead how easily we are discouraged.

5. Love your life.  It's the only one you've got. "Compare where you are to where you wanna be, and you'll get nowhere."  Name that song!  But the point is that you can make decisions to be the person you want to be, but you'll never be that person without going for it and stepping out into the deep end.

And if that's not enough cliches for a single blog, I don't know what it is.


Rule number 4 of taking selfies - take selfies when you're not at you're best.  So I'm sick with typhoid (and don't worry, it's not that kind of contagious) but I still enjoyed some cuddles with Gregory this morning!

And this is what I look like when both babies are crying.

none but Jesus

Well folks, that last blog got a bajillion more views than any others I've done, so I'd like to know if that's the kind of the thing you're more interested in reading.  I love talking to you about my life in Haiti, but sometimes I wonder if it's relevant to anyone or if anyone enjoys reading it!  So let me know your thoughts.

Onward.

I got a ukulele less than a week ago, and I'm so super in love with it.  There aren't that many songs I can play yet because it's hard to get used to all the different chords.  There are about 10 chords I've mastered, and I will continue to play songs with only those for the time being!  Haha.  I will put those in here for you to see.

One item of business before I get to the good stuff:  My YouCaring fundraiser closed on my birthday.  Unfortunately, I was about $3,000 short of my goal, which was meant to cover my ministry for the rest of 2014.  However, you can support me financially year - round by using the PayPal link here on my blog or by sending a check to my mother.  Make it out to me - Shelby Bollar - and send it to 41 Robinson Drive.  Palm Coast, FL 32164.  Cool, thanks!

Also, I'd really like to do something special with the girls on St. Patrick's Day!  If you'd like to help by sending a package, e-mail me for details!  srbollar@gmail.com


Love ya!

<3 Shelbs Magee

christian sluts

This is my soapbox.  So listen up.  Because this is the blog I've been dying to write for a year.

Let us start with the title.  Does it piss you off?  Are you indignant?  If I use strong words today, it's because I feel very strongly about this.

In honor of "Shine a Light on Slavery Day," I'm going to do my part to shine a light on the role that you are playing.  In fact, I know very few (if any) Christian women who have not played a role in the culture of slavery that is prevalent in the world today.

Christian women dehumanize women they view as "sluts" or "skanks,"

It breaks my heart that Christian women, who should be using a community of love to bring all lost and lonely women into the fold, dehumanize other women.  I know this is true because I did it myself.  We Christian women oftentimes pride ourselves on modesty.  We made all these rules for ourselves - rules about leggings and dress length and camis.  We work hard to follow them, and then we are disgusted when we see women who do not conform to the dress code that we have created.  And something happens in that moment, we feel morally superior.  This feeling inside of our hearts is bad enough, but sometimes we even vocalize or express these by calling her immodest, ostracizing her, or giving her a look of disgust.

Do you know why you are offended when you see a phrase like "christian sluts"?  Because "slut," as well as "skank, whore, etc." are degrading.  If you wouldn't want someone to describe you that way, how dare you use it (if only in your mind) to describe any other girl out there?

Dehumanizing leads to objectification.

Starting to view women this way, as if they are less because they dress or act a certain way, leads to objectification.  This is why we ask what a woman was wearing or how she was behaving before she got raped.  Because, in our culture, "not being raped" is not an inherent human right.  It has to be earned by  your conformity to society's standards of modesty and how a "respectable" woman should act.  The woman becomes an object, and "I'm sorry, but how could you not expect a man to play with such a shiny toy once you put it out there?"

For more about this, see educator Laci Green -

Objectification is the excuse for slavery.

If a person is an object, I can sell it, no problem.  These women are bought and sold like cattle, with absolutely no regard to them aside from how much money they can make the men around them.  Remember the 3/5ths compromise?  That's when America decided that African Americans would count as a little more than half a person.  The population of slaves in our world today are invisible to us, with no rights.  They get offered a job in another country, and then they disappear forever.  And when we see them on the streets, propisitioning men, we despise them and look at them like they're less than human.

And so it goes full circle.

They're enslaved because of how we think of them, and we judge them because they're enslaved.

The process starts with you.  Change the way you think about women, think about people.  Respect all human beings and their right to freedom.  Or will you look the other way, because you were fortunate to be born in a part of the world where this is a rare problem for you?  Though the U.S. may not have a high rate of human trafficking (though trust me, it happens), our attitudes still increase trafficking around the world.  The first step in ending rape culture is respecting all humans' right to freedom (and to not be raped).  And to do so, we must abolish words like "slut."

So next time you see a woman who doesn't fit your idea of how a women should dress and act, try being her friend, instead of signing away her humanity in your own mind.

Next time you think, "those shorts are too short," or "oh my gosh, she is showing way too much boob," maybe you can take a minute to pray for her.  Don't pray that she changes her clothes.  And don't assume that she doesn't have Jesus either.  Don't even pray that she will respect herself more; you have no idea how she feels about herself.  Pray for her right not to be objectified or dehumanized by anyone.

www.enditmovement.com

maya maya

Being here, being anywhere, you get used to the things you see.  Heartbreak and tragedy just don't hit you the same way.  How could it?  If you see something every day, it starts to seem normal.  I suppose that's how we, as a world, can let horrible things happen, if we are eased into them slowly.

But one little girl has woken my heart back up and broken it all over again.

Her name is Maya.  What can I tell you about her?  She's more musically-oriented than any other child I've ever known.  If she's fussy, you can turn some music on or start singing; she'll forget why she's mad and start dancing.  She sings along with every song I have, even the first time she hears it.  She loves Quincy, when most of the other little ones are afraid of my harmless kitty cat.  She's content to watch me work out, as long as I blow her a kiss as I walk on by.  She's beautiful, absolutely beautiful, with the best smile you could ever see.  She's the happiest little girl I've ever known.

What else could I tell you?  Just a couple months ago, she was severely malnourished - about 6 lbs at age 2.  She was abandoned at the hospital, and my friend Ashley found her and started to take care of her.  Today, she is doing well and has gained lots of weight!  I look at her, and I'm suddenly angry.

Who could do this?  What kind of a person would leave this precious, adorable baby to die, alone in a hospital?

And as quickly as my anger was inflamed, it dissipates.  What kind of a person would do this?  A desperate person, with no hope of keeping the precious baby alive.  Maybe her father thought the hospital could find her a better life.  Or maybe he just didn't want to watch her die.

Whose fault is this?  Mine.  Yours.  Every person who has a lot in this world is burdened with the responsibility for its condition.  I don't want to be a part of a world that leaves beautiful baby girls to die alone in the hospital.  I want to be a part of the world that finds a way to restore the families, to restore the children, a world that doesn't let a single child slip through its fingers unnoticed and unloved.

Just look at her.

Love.