my baptism

The first four months were a valley.

The second four months were a mountain.

For four months, my cup was empty.

For four months, it overflowed.

It's not like the first four months were horrible.  Trust me, I'm naively optimistic so much so that you could set me in a literal fire, and it would still take me four months to notice.  I was forced to choose every day - will I die to myself or will these ideals waver?  Can I really spend so much time encouraging, loving, and serving with a smile on my face, when no one is around to encourage, love, or serve me?  And I guess the answer is yes, but it wasn't easy.  (And it's not like I never failed.)  But those first four months were refinement, pruning.  Pruning away not the bad, but the unnecessary.  Leaving me with nothing for myself except Jesus.  (And that's how I was forced to test the idea that Jesus is my best friend.  He is, but that wasn't easy either.)  

But the second four months were water.  Being refined and grown through joy and love instead of loneliness and hardship (again, I didn't even recognize it as hardship at the time.)  God's love rained down on me.  Ample time to know Jesus better.  Beautiful children to sing and dance and love and laugh with.  Every day a perfect day.  Every day the best day of my life.

And both of these seasons were... short.  It's always short, isn't it?  But doesn't each once seem a lifetime when we're living it?  

Yet, I come out of these two short seasons a completely different person.  I was emptied out and filled back up again.  And here I am.  I'm so excited for everything that is coming in the next couple months.  I will run all around America and then end up in Amsterdam. 

These 8 months were a baptism, a death and a rebirth deeper than the ones I had previously known.

When I joined my church - Greenhill UMC - I was asked if I had been baptized already.  I said that I thought I had been because my mom had told me that my grandmother had baptized me as a child.  They said that people don't usually get rebaptized unless they just really want to.  At the time, I felt super awkward about it.  I had never even seen someone get baptized.  I didn't really see the point of it, so I said no.  Then, when I was in college, I saw a lot of people get baptized at one point or another, and I sat in a lot of discussions at school about whether baptism was necessary for salvation.  I knew many people that thought it was, but I felt strongly that my relationship with God was more important than whether or not I had been baptized.  I didn't want to get baptized just to cover all my bases for Heaven.  I also felt awkward because I wasn't particularly making a special decision for Jesus at that time; I had already known Him, loved Him, and served Him.  

Then I felt like God was telling me I would be baptized in Haiti.  And honestly, that sounded awkward to me too.  I told God that He had to work out the details if that was really what He wanted.  

And then I forgot about it, completely.  Without class discussions to make me feel like somehow less for not being baptized (or at least not remembering my baptism), it was hardly ever on my mind!

And then, for my last Sunday here, I was invited to the baptism of a friend.  And suddenly, I knew, and I was so excited!  I hadn't even spared it a thought, and God worked out all the details behind my back.  I asked if I could be baptized too.  Basically everyone I know here was there to celebrate Jesus with me, and it was absolutely fantastic!

To top it off, it was at Saut Matherine, Camp Perrin, which is literally the most beautiful place I know on earth.

And it just seems a fitting way to spend my second to last day in Haiti, especially since these 8 months have been a baptism in and of themselves. 

All I can say is .... wow.  God's cool.

Goodbye, Haiti.  Thanks for all of it.

woman of valor

The fundraiser continues!  If you donate $100 to my ministry in Amsterdam, I will write a song about you!  3 lovely people have taken me up on this offer already.  Here's a song I wrote for my dear friend, Megan.  It's inspired primarily by her, but I stole some of it from Proverbs 31.  Enjoy it, and go over to www.youcaring.com/LoveAmsterdam to donate $100 or more and get your own song!

alone

When I was in college, I had a lot of friends.  Like a ton.  And I loved everyone on campus so much.  I felt like I could have chosen any of 1300 people to be friends with.  And so many people have told me - "you could be friends with anyone!" or "you will make friends anywhere!"  And honestly, I believed them wholeheartedly.  I mean, I'm so sweet, right?  Who wouldn't want to be my friend?  My first four months here, I only had one friend.  She was going through a lot and very unstable; it was mostly one-sided.  But I didn't blame her.  Still, I rarely had the opportunity to get out of the house, and it was hard not having friends.  

So I thought when I moved to the orphanage, it would be easier.  When I finally got the chance to hang out with the missionaries who live on the hill in Cite Lumiere (there are a lot of white people in Cayes, it turns out), I just didn't click.  To me, their gatherings felt forced, dreaded, like none of them even wanted to be there.  [If any of you happen to read this, I'm sorry.  That's just what it felt like to me.]  I was so lost.  This is a gathering of missionaries.  Shouldn't it be vibrant?  Shouldn't we be praying for each other, bearing each others' burdens, and encouraging each other?  I didn't even feel like people wanted to get to know me.  After a couple weeks, I stopped going.  

College was so much easier.  Everyone is thrown in at once, forced to find friends to survive.  In the real world, everyone you meet is in a different place in their lives, and not everyone is looking to make a new friend.  But I'm a young missionary.  Shouldn't the older missionaries all be trying to take me under their wing, make sure that I'm okay, and show me the ropes?  Why have I felt so much on my own these last 8 or 9 months?  

The truth is that they should be something that they're not right now.  The truth is that they should have noticed me and invested in me.  But I'm not here to talk about them.  I'm here to talk about me.  Why would God call me out of a place of so much love and friendship and into a place where I felt so unsupported?

Maybe it's because He wanted me all to Himself.  I do believe that God calls us to live in community and to have close relationships with others, but I think our need to be loved is meant to be filled first and primarily by Him.  And only in this time of not having anyone else, was I able to learn and grow and find that I really don't need anyone else.  I really don't.

[Side note: I also want to say that I am really thankful for the friends I have made in the last couple months, even though I don't get to spend ample time with them every day, like I used to be able to with my old friends!  I'm a part of a little house church that I love, and I spend a lot of time with Ashley, who also is living at the orphanage.  I'm so thankful for her friendship and even just to have someone with whom I can process life and watch movies (my two favorite things).]

what's good about me?

If you're reading this blog because you like me or you think I'm a good person, you should know... It's not me.  If I didn't have Jesus, I'd be your run-of-the-mill two-faced, insecure liar.  I'd be practicing smiling in the mirror, like I used to. 

lack of stillness

If you're like me, then you might find it hard to have quality Jesus time when you never seem to have any personal time or personal space.  Ever since the baby came, I've found it harder and harder to find a moment alone.  I love this video because I'm singing about how it's never still or quiet and everyone keeps talking and interrupting me.  =D

yet another post about calling

The short and sweet blogs continue.

Because sometimes hashing things out is good, and sometimes it actually detracts from the point you're trying to make.

So I just want to remind you today that, though God does call us to specific people/places/situations, He first and foremost calls us to:

Be in relationship with him

Love all people around us

Enjoy Him and His creation

Feed the hungry

Love the lost

Visit the sick and imprisoned

(And some other important things too!)

But none of these require you to relocate!  So love the place where you are now, and find ways to serve God there!  And love people there!  And cliche cliche cliche, but enjoy this song, which is about how my best friend learned that exact lesson.  [Disclaimer:  It's not like she wasn't doing anything the whole time she waited to move to her place, but she did learn along the way the importance of not waiting to be love.]