body image

Sometimes I think about what this blog should be.  But I just want it to be everywhere that my passions intersect with glorifying God, you know?  So here is today's soapbox.

I know this isn't tumblr, but trigger warning: bulimia.

I thought I was always fat.  Looking back, I didn't even start to get somewhat chubby until 6th or 7th grade.  But I don't remember a time in my whole life that I didn't think of myself as fat.  You see, my parents were obese, and they didn't want me to be.  They had good intentions, but they didn't know how to eat right either.  Instead, they made me feel guilty whenever I ate bad food.  Which was hard because bad food was what was always around.  From a very early age, I associated food with guilt.  But I was already addicted to junk food and fast food.  So I would eat in secret, disguise my guilt.  But I also dieted.  I spent a lot of time outside, trying to be the skinny kid I thought my parents wanted.  I remember spending hours running up and down the stairs outside our house.

And thankfully, that's all it was at that time.  I felt a lot of guilt about eating, but it only occasionally affected my life.  (No need to get into the specifics of those!)

When I was 13, a lot of really hard things started happening in my life.  I gained 25 lbs a year 8th grade, 9th grade, 10th grade, and 11th grade.

When I was in 8th grade, I was bullied a lot at school.  My California attitude just did not fit in Kentucky.  I lost all my good outlets - volleyball, girl scouts, friends to play outside with.  I ate a lot because it was the only comfort I knew.  But the guilt followed me.  I don't think anyone at school even ever said much about my weight, but I had always been told I was fat by my parents.  In my head, there was no way that the mistreatment at school was unrelated to my fatness.  I skipped breakfast and avoided eating at school.  (In fact, I had a friend at the time who insisted I was anorexic.  I managed to joke about it enough to persuade him not to ever tell an adult.  He brought it up daily, and somewhere deep down, I wished he would tell someone so that I could stop.)  Because after school, I would come home, ravenous, to a usually empty house, and eat everything in sight.

After binging, there were only two options.

Binge - Guilt - Purge - Relief
or
Binge - Guilt - Resist purging - More guilt - Lots of crying

So while I fought it, it was also the only relief that I had available to me.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't be a normal person, normal-sized, eating food in normal ways.  I was smart enough to know that eating disorders - especially bulimia - don't even really help you lose weight.  But the guilt was unavoidable, so why not give in to the relief?

I tried harder to eat less.  I sometimes went 3 days without food.  I remember one time that my headache was so bad from not eating for a couple days, that I begged my mom to stop for McDonalds.  She bought me a happy meal, even though I was 13 or 14.  She also told me I wasn't allowed to eat anything else that night (though I probably did anyway, in secret).  I just remember it reinforced this idea in my head - people as fat as me don't even deserve to eat anymore.

And maybe someone out there is reading this, who has felt these feelings before or is feeling them now.
And I'm sorry because the only way I can really actually help is through a one-on-one conversation.  Please feel free to message me sometime, anytime.  It would be a great honor to me to help you on this.

But I know that my experience is not normal.  Most people heal very, very slowly.

When I was 15, I was ready to die.  (I've talked about this on the blog before, so I'm not going to go into it now.)  In desperation, I cried out to Jesus, knowing that if He didn't answer, there was nothing worth having in this world.  But He did answer.  And after that night, I knew that I should never have to feel that guilt and shame again.

Though I did, it was never as strong.  Only one time after that night, did I relapse.  I was at a party, and I had been dieting well.  But at the party, I ate a cupcake.  I was frustrated with myself, and I went to her bathroom, and I just had to erase my mistake.  So I flushed my mistake down the toilet.  And I knew that that was worse.  That what I was doing to my body was worse than eating a cupcake.  That what I was doing to my mind was worse.

And since then, I still have the occasional urge to purge.  My last one was about 6 months ago.  But I thank God that this urge amounts to nothing more than "I can't believe I ate that.  I wish I didn't.  What if?  No.  Never again.  No matter what.  I love myself the way I am.  My love for myself cannot be negated by one thousand cupcakes."

So, that was a long story, but not necessarily all I wanted to say about this.

Like I hinted at, I've been "on a diet" pretty much all of my life.

Only twice have I ever actually lost more than 10 lbs.

The first time was when I was a senior in high school.  I lost 36 lbs.  I bought a senior prom dress that was much smaller than my junior one.  When I tried the dress on to show it off, someone told me, "that would look so good if you lost 10 more lbs/"  That was the exact moment that my diet died.  Because I realized that no one, especially not myself, would ever be satisfied.  I could never be skinny enough, be pretty enough, no matter how many days I got up at 4 am and worked my butt off.

In fact, it wasn't until a year and a half ago, that I discovered a blogger named Laci Green.  She talks a lot about how our society shames fat people and expects, even wants, them to hate themselves.  "If I'm insecure, you should be at least as insecure as I am with that body!"  It might sounds silly, but it's really true.  I had experienced this my whole life.  It was then that I realized that I could love my body, skinny or fat, ugly or pretty, pimply or clear-skinned.

And the truth is that you will never have a healthy body without a good body image.  You might be skinny, at least for a time, but your mind is not healthy if you only love your body when it looks a certain way.

And that's why I know that this is the time I will lose weight, whether it takes a year or 10.  Because I will never give up on my lovely body.  I care too much about it.  I will always try to eat healthy, but sometimes I will eat a cupcake.  And I LOVE that cupcake.  I do not feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, just excitement that I get to eat something delicious!  And the power in the thought that tomorrow I can eat something healthier.  Or maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll slip up or maybe I'll make a conscious decision to indulge.  Either way is okay.  And if I hate myself for it, that's just a silly reason to hate myself!  And it doesn't help anyone.  And it's not worth it.

Since September, I have lost 36 lbs.  (I know, again.)  And it's like some sort of test because I have been wavering around that number for about 4 months now.  Maybe I will work out and eat decently my whole life and never get to that minus 37.  God knows I have much farther than that to go.  But if it's a test to see how much I really love my body, I will pass.  Because there is no guilt in the cupcake, but there is pride in every workout, every healthy decision, and every time I decide to spend energy instead of sitting around.

Just remember, loving your body when it is a certain way, is not loving your body at all.

missionary confessions

So I've been thinking lately about my "public image," or whatever.  Some people who follow me on social media always think I'm having a fantastic time, and some people seem to think I'm having a horrible time.  The truth is that you're both right, and you're both wrong.  Being a missionary is like putting your life on expert mode.  (And I mean that whether you're a missionary fully and absolutely committed to Jesus in America, Afghanistan, Haiti, or wherever else.)  If you're going to do this thing, really go all in, it will be the most horrible, hardest, heart-wrenching, the most beautiful, lovely, amazing thing that you ever do.

And because I want you to do it, I want to be honest with you.

Missionaries (or, I prefer the term "cross-cultural minister" because I'm a strong believer in the priesthood of all believers) are often, often put on a pedestal.  It's like the epitome of being a Christian - rising to some level on this imaginary hierarchy that makes me somehow holier or better than same-cultural minister (Yes, I did just create that term).  It's like I'm winning at being a Christian or something.

So that's the first thing I'd like to debunk with you.  Perhaps one of the most important things I learned at Asbury is that your JUNK follows you.  I saw it first when I was a freshman, and I realized that my insecurities and self-esteem issues followed me into my new group of wonderful people.  But, more importantly, we talked about it all the time in my classes.  If you're going to be "good" at ministry, you need to have yourself taken care of first.  And that means a million things.  If you've worked on yourself at all, you know it's like this:  you usually start with these huge, horrible issues in your life.  When you finally get past that, you are able to see more clearly the big issues that you still have.  And then they seem like big issues, and you keep working on it, but more and more you see your own problems - problems with yourself, problems relating to people, problems with sin, problems in your relationship with God.  As far as I know, this will literally never end.  But once you refuse to keep looking, you can't grow.  If you're not growing, you're not going to produce much fruit.

All that to say that people who serve in cross-cultural ministry are not the "best" people.  People who love Jesus with all their heart, every single day, are the best people - shining the love of Jesus all around.  

Missionaries are not perfect, especially when they stop looking for the junk to clear out inside their own selves.  And you, reading this blog from the same town you were born in, are not any more or any less.  You are equally responsible to take care of your own issues and to spread the love of Jesus all around.

So, now this tricky thing happens on social media.  Because I am committed to being authentic firstly.  Secondly, I don't want you to ever put me on a pedestal.  Thirdly, I want you to want this life I have - I firmly believe that this Jesus-loving life is the best thing anyone could ever have - and so I don't want to make it sound bad, when it's really so good.  I might post on facebook how it's annoying to get harassed on the street, lose power while I'm in the middle of something, or deal with Haiti's lack of personal space.  I want you to know that the tone in this is a JOKE!  Yes, it's hard sometimes, but I try not to take my life or myself too seriously.

But I want you to know that it's not all rainbows, laughing children, and beauty.  So I'd also like to take this opportunity to talk to you about the real problems that burden me from time to time.

1 Other missionaries.  I put this one first because it's the number one reason missionaries go home from the field.  It's harder to imagine when you're living in the states, but I have a pretty good understanding now.  I think it might be especially hard from my point of view, having gone to college to study all this.  Not that I know everything.  I could get my Masters in cross-cultural evangelism, and I still wouldn't know everything.  But lots of people here have no training at all, and they come in with a lot of assumptions and oftentimes an american superiority.  They already know the best way to do everything, and if Haitians knew it, they would be better off.  Everything the way they know it is right, and everyone else is wrong.  A lot of the problems with Haiti were caused by NGO's, foreigners, and even missionaries.  Besides that, it can often be hard to work or even have discussions with people who have extremely different philosophies of ministry.  Since I'm mostly on my own, I don't have to have those conversations all the time. Though I do have to have a lot of conversations with

2. Haitians.  Now I'm not saying Haitians themselves are the problems.  But it can be very difficult for Haitians and Americans to work together.   I have these kind of conflicts all the time.  Most of the time, it's easy for me because I have a pretty laid-back personality.  The less laid-back missionaries are here, the worse they are!  Between differences in time, money, perspective, everything, it's so hard for people to agree!  And it's hard to come here to serve people who don't really understand you or what you're doing.  I once told a Haitian my entire testimony, and her takeaway was "so you really like watching movies because you were alone a lot as a teenager."  No, actually, that couldn't be further off base, but thanks for reducing my entire testimony of tragedy and beauty and grace to my passion for movies.  And because I don't have an "actual job" here anymore, I'm often seen as lazy and useless!

3. Money.  Living off of other people's money is hard.  I'm blessed with frugality in general, but I'm not against all whimsical things one can buy.  Furthermore, it's impossible to budget generosity.  If someone I love needs something, must I say no because it's simply not in my budget?  I've seen missionaries swing to both sides.  I know tons of people here spend hundreds of dollars to get american food and products shipped in each month.  Is that wrong?  Living in Haiti is hard; isn't it okay to have some things that are still american?  Then some people live without electricity, without any forms of convenience.  Does that mean all missionaries should?  I read once that missionaries should all live at the lowest means they can without it taking away from their joy and ministry.  I think that's a pretty good rule, but is it still okay if I buy a coke sometimes?

4. Personal time and space.  This is probably actually the biggest one for me.  I tried making signs for my door that say - Come in! or Knock on the door; maybe you can come in or Don't knock on the door.  Come back later.  Ha.  I'm not sure this system worked for even one day!  It seems to help sometimes, but lately with the babies being here, there is a lot more "don't come in" times, which seems to inspire everyone to come in anyway or knock on the door and run away to get my attention - even my negative attention.  Furthermore, it makes me look like a jerk because most Haitians have a very open door all the time policy.  Yet, I recently realized that I am introvert.  For a long time, I confused my outgoingness with extroversion.  But the truth is that I need a lot of time alone - to read the Bible, to journal, to write blogs, to breathe, to take a shower, to work out etc.  I am at my best when I have plenty of time to take care of myself and be energized and in order when I'm spending time with the kids.  [Side note: lately, this has been much worse because of the babies and my friend Ashley who is taking care of them with me.  I used to be able to take care of my introverted needs while the kids were in school, but now I feel like I only have time to squeeze in half or a third of the time I need.  And meanwhile, it feels like I never spend time with any of the other kids anymore!  Babies are hard.]

5. Calling.  When I came to Haiti, I thought I would be spending the rest of my life here.  I was 21.  I guess "the rest of my life" didn't seem like a huge thing to commit to.  (If you're reading this, and you're one of my dear friends about to graduate from college, please remember that "what you're doing after college" is not equal to "what you're doing for the rest of your life" and is consequently a much smaller deal than you're probably making of it.  I know.  I've been there.)  Now, I'm 22, so I'm so much wiser!  Just kidding, I'm sure there are things I will look back on at 23 and think "I can't believe I was so naive, silly, weird."  But I love it!  It's a process of growth!  Sorry for getting a bit of track there.  What I want to tell you is that God's calling on your life is a constant, dynamic, changing, living thing.  I think a lot of people think they will figure their calling out, and it will be smooth sailing from there.  At least for a good while.  And then once you're here, you're almost immediately bombarded with - "is this where I'm really supposed to be?  How long am I supposed to be here?  Am I doing exactly what I should be doing?  Is God now calling me to somewhere or something else?"

Well, those are the 5 biggest issues I am faced with, and maybe some of you other cross-cultural ministers out there can relate.  But I want to leave you with 5 more things.

1. This is the rich life.  It is hard, but every struggle is worth it.  Even being mistreated by some people and misunderstood by other people is worth it.  Because it's all for Jesus, who treats me right and understands everything I've ever been through.

2. I choose to be this person every day, every moment.  Or I should say that I do some moments and I don't at others.  Because I'm the farthest thing from perfect, and I'm not any more qualified than you are to be here.  But whether I'm here or you're there, every moment is fresh, is new.  A chance to choose Jesus, whimsy, adventure, and service.  Or a chance to be selfish, hurt, frustrated, or angry.  Because it's very easy to be those things, especially here.  If I was looking for a reason to be upset, I promise you I could find a new one every day!  But I'm looking for reasons to bless the Lord, which is why I started my 10,000 reasons journal a month or two ago.  I'm not even to reason 1500 yet, but I'll post the highlights when I get to 10,000 in like December?  Hahaha.

3. Love the place where you are.  Love it with all of your heart.  I'm sure it's hard to love sometimes.  Haiti is hard to love sometimes, like when I'm walking down the street and guys are legitimately mad at me if I don't give them the time of day.  Then I get to the grocery store, and there are no chicken nuggets or frozen pizzas.  Nor the fruits and vegetables that I would want.  Nor extra sharp cheddar cheese (except for that one time).  But I love Haiti.  And maybe not for any particular reason, though I love the beauty and the trees and the weather.  And obviously, the children.  But there's only one really huge reason, at the bottom of it all.  Because this country is full of people whom God loves.  And it is for that reason that my facebook is "Shelby loves everywhere."  More specifically, it might be called "Shelby loves everywhere that God's creation exists."  But that's a mouthful.

4. Embrace the challenges in your life.  Now hopefully your life is not quite as hard as Job's, but I'm sure you face your fair share of problems.  Stop and think.  This is what I had to do.  I realized after I went through all that unfairness I went through my first four months here.  I got to the orphanage and life still wasn't easy.  And I was mad for a minute there, or maybe for several days, because wasn't this part supposed to be easy?  I worked so hard to get here and then - it's still really hard?  And then I realized, is that what I've really been looking for all this time, is that the pot of gold I want at the end of my journey, an easy life?  Now think, if my life were easy, if I always had all the things that I want out of life, what kind of a testimony would that be?  Would people recognize that my joy could only come from God?  No, they'd say, "of course she is happy and loves the little children.  Her life is perfect!"  So change your perspective.  Because every obstacle in your life is a chance to show people how good God really is.  But I feel like most of the time we let it show instead how easily we are discouraged.

5. Love your life.  It's the only one you've got. "Compare where you are to where you wanna be, and you'll get nowhere."  Name that song!  But the point is that you can make decisions to be the person you want to be, but you'll never be that person without going for it and stepping out into the deep end.

And if that's not enough cliches for a single blog, I don't know what it is.


Rule number 4 of taking selfies - take selfies when you're not at you're best.  So I'm sick with typhoid (and don't worry, it's not that kind of contagious) but I still enjoyed some cuddles with Gregory this morning!

And this is what I look like when both babies are crying.

none but Jesus

Well folks, that last blog got a bajillion more views than any others I've done, so I'd like to know if that's the kind of the thing you're more interested in reading.  I love talking to you about my life in Haiti, but sometimes I wonder if it's relevant to anyone or if anyone enjoys reading it!  So let me know your thoughts.

Onward.

I got a ukulele less than a week ago, and I'm so super in love with it.  There aren't that many songs I can play yet because it's hard to get used to all the different chords.  There are about 10 chords I've mastered, and I will continue to play songs with only those for the time being!  Haha.  I will put those in here for you to see.

One item of business before I get to the good stuff:  My YouCaring fundraiser closed on my birthday.  Unfortunately, I was about $3,000 short of my goal, which was meant to cover my ministry for the rest of 2014.  However, you can support me financially year - round by using the PayPal link here on my blog or by sending a check to my mother.  Make it out to me - Shelby Bollar - and send it to 41 Robinson Drive.  Palm Coast, FL 32164.  Cool, thanks!

Also, I'd really like to do something special with the girls on St. Patrick's Day!  If you'd like to help by sending a package, e-mail me for details!  srbollar@gmail.com


Love ya!

<3 Shelbs Magee