alone

When I was in college, I had a lot of friends.  Like a ton.  And I loved everyone on campus so much.  I felt like I could have chosen any of 1300 people to be friends with.  And so many people have told me - "you could be friends with anyone!" or "you will make friends anywhere!"  And honestly, I believed them wholeheartedly.  I mean, I'm so sweet, right?  Who wouldn't want to be my friend?  My first four months here, I only had one friend.  She was going through a lot and very unstable; it was mostly one-sided.  But I didn't blame her.  Still, I rarely had the opportunity to get out of the house, and it was hard not having friends.  

So I thought when I moved to the orphanage, it would be easier.  When I finally got the chance to hang out with the missionaries who live on the hill in Cite Lumiere (there are a lot of white people in Cayes, it turns out), I just didn't click.  To me, their gatherings felt forced, dreaded, like none of them even wanted to be there.  [If any of you happen to read this, I'm sorry.  That's just what it felt like to me.]  I was so lost.  This is a gathering of missionaries.  Shouldn't it be vibrant?  Shouldn't we be praying for each other, bearing each others' burdens, and encouraging each other?  I didn't even feel like people wanted to get to know me.  After a couple weeks, I stopped going.  

College was so much easier.  Everyone is thrown in at once, forced to find friends to survive.  In the real world, everyone you meet is in a different place in their lives, and not everyone is looking to make a new friend.  But I'm a young missionary.  Shouldn't the older missionaries all be trying to take me under their wing, make sure that I'm okay, and show me the ropes?  Why have I felt so much on my own these last 8 or 9 months?  

The truth is that they should be something that they're not right now.  The truth is that they should have noticed me and invested in me.  But I'm not here to talk about them.  I'm here to talk about me.  Why would God call me out of a place of so much love and friendship and into a place where I felt so unsupported?

Maybe it's because He wanted me all to Himself.  I do believe that God calls us to live in community and to have close relationships with others, but I think our need to be loved is meant to be filled first and primarily by Him.  And only in this time of not having anyone else, was I able to learn and grow and find that I really don't need anyone else.  I really don't.

[Side note: I also want to say that I am really thankful for the friends I have made in the last couple months, even though I don't get to spend ample time with them every day, like I used to be able to with my old friends!  I'm a part of a little house church that I love, and I spend a lot of time with Ashley, who also is living at the orphanage.  I'm so thankful for her friendship and even just to have someone with whom I can process life and watch movies (my two favorite things).]