pa regrete

No regrets.

I've thought for a while now that I'll probably get a tattoo that says "no regrets" some day.  The phrase means a lot to me.  The very first Christian event I went to - in 8th grade - was themed "No Regrets."  But I didn't start to follow Jesus after that event.  Why?  Maybe because I wasn't ready, maybe because I wasn't desperate for Jesus yet.  But I look back on that weekend, and though it was fun, I really hate the message they were preaching.  Their version of no regrets was:

 "Don't do anything you would regret.  Stay on the straight and narrow path.  Make the right decisions."

And I thought that Jesus wasn't for me; even at age 13 I had a lot of regrets.  I was having a terrible time in school.  My parents were divorced.  I was bullied by a lot of kids at school, and the administration wouldn't do anything about it.  I was a goody-two-shoes who didn't fight back.  I hated school so much that I practiced smiling in the mirror when I was at home because I thought I would never have any friends if I didn't pretend to me happy.  But in actuality, I hated everyone and everything, and I had a lot of things to regret.  

It was too late for me.  I had already made mistakes.  

Life went on, and things got worse.  No need to go into it, but we all have tragedies, right?  Mine might have been worse than yours, but it was definitely less than many people in the world, especially in places like Haiti.  

So, at this point, you might wonder why I would want a "no regrets" tattoo.  Well, when I was 15, Jesus got to me.  (Happy 5 and a half year anniversary, Jezi!)  And for quite a while, I still had regrets.  But Jesus worked on me, in so many ways.  A heart full of hate became a heart full of love, even for those who hurt me.  A girl with the lowest amount of self esteem that a person could possibly have became a girl who completely loves herself in every way.  A smart girl who would've chased the American dream gave it all away to love marginalized children.  If you knew me then, you might not even recognize me now.  As my good friends will tell you, my real smile is nothing like my fake smile.  

And here's the thing - I really do love myself.  I love every dark part of my heart that Jesus has cleaned (and even the parts that still need a bit of work).  I love my body and my voice and my brain, even if I forget half of everything.  I love my future and all the questions in it.  And here's the kicker, I love my past.  I didn't ask for the horrible things that happened.  There's no reason to think - what if?  Anyone's life would have been different for a couple of if's.  If is a waste.  If is a complete waste.  But I don't regret anything that has happened to me.  If I did, I would be regretting who I am.  Who I am isn't regrettable; who I am is a beautiful child of God.  Who I am is proof of a miracle, proof of my God who turns ugly things into beautiful things, dark into light, hate into love, death into hope.  

I will always carry these light scars, the kind you can only see if you scrutinize me very closely.  If you find, I'll smile and tell you all about how God really has used everything in my life for His glory.

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Now, I want you to take a second to reflect on that first part.  I tried to look up what I thought would be "no regrets" in Creole, and instead I came across a new idea in my mind - "Don't Regret."  And where I am now, I think that this message is actually more important for me.  I've healed from the wounds of the past, and I love who I am.  But I still fail at the no regrets thing because I sometimes regret where I am now.  That might be even worse than regretting the things of the past.  I regret things as they're happening.  How did I get in this or that situation?  Could this have been avoided?  Was it my fault?  I should have this; I should have that.  Learn from your mistakes, yes, but we all need to stop with the if's!  Don't wonder if things could have been different, if your life would be better right now if this or that happened instead.  You could never know.  And even if it could have been, your life could have also been something worse.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

All that to say, don't regret.  Don't regret your past.  Don't regret your present.  There's no way to really love yourself and love God with all that regret in your heart.  

God will make something beautiful out of this, even out of your current situation.