Four of my kids fell asleep on me yesterday. I told them in Kreyol, "we had too much fun, and now we're tired!"
I saw a nasty, nasty dead dog on the side of the road today. It was probably the grossest thing I have seen in my whole life.
I told one of the cooks in Kreyol, "You can tell me what to do!" She told me to dance!
I told one of the cooks in Kreyol, "You can tell me what to do!" She told me to dance!
I had a bottled Starbucks frappucino yesterday. It was probably the most delicious thing I have ever had.
Tonight is the second time it has really rained since I've been here. Rain is such a blessing. It brings a lot of people water, and it really cools us off. On the other hand, it can make things very difficult for people who live in tents or huts.
Today, we threw Martine (the caregiver at tree of life) a big birthday party! It was so fun, and I hope she really enjoyed it. I got to decorate her cake this morning with Brooklyn's help. So enjoyable!
Speaking of Brooklyn, there is a family of five here, and I adore them. It is really lifting my spirits to have them here. I am really hoping to get to know all of them while they are here for a month!
Today, we threw Martine (the caregiver at tree of life) a big birthday party! It was so fun, and I hope she really enjoyed it. I got to decorate her cake this morning with Brooklyn's help. So enjoyable!
Speaking of Brooklyn, there is a family of five here, and I adore them. It is really lifting my spirits to have them here. I am really hoping to get to know all of them while they are here for a month!
I know that fast food is a dumb thing to miss, but I do miss it. It is such a luxury to be able to go and get whatever you want whenever you want. It's even pretty cheap. Here, you don't really get to eat what you want. The cooks make your food, and you don't have a say in it. (Though it is a blessing to have these lovely ladies to make the food.) Every once in a while, we do go to restaurants, but you still don't get exactly what you want and it's like $15 anyway! A can of coke is $2 at a restaurant! Eww.
^ Thank you for tolerating my american moment of the day.
Anyone who knew me in high school knows that I was insanely insecure. There was a time I truly didn't have any friends, and it transformed me from a 13 year old Californian girl with a million friends to a 13 year old girl in KY who did not feel good enough in any way. If no one wanted to be my friend, surely it was because I really wasn't anything worth being friends with. I always thought I was fat, ugly, dumb, awkward, annoying, etc. I have found a lot of insecurities in common with other people, too - like when you introduce two people and they become closer than you were with either of them. Back then, it was every little thing. No one wants to sit with me at lunch because I'm a loser. No one will talk to me because I'm not interesting. When you fill your head with thoughts like these all day every day, you come home with a hate for the person in the mirror. Why couldn't I be someone else? Why couldn't I be the person people wanted to be friends with? What was it about me that just repelled people?
Even when I started to make some friends in high school, I was always sure that they didn't really want to be friends with me. They were just being nice, hanging out with me when no one else would. I struggled a lot with feeling like my friends weren't really there for me when I needed it, and I went through a lot in high school that required good friends. Sometimes I believed that my friends really loved me, but it didn't take a huge incident to change my mind. I even had a few intense times during which I felt really confused and depressed about God's love; how could God see worth in me when no human being wants me around?
When I started at Asbury, I was initially doing rather well. I was able to feel like people there really liked me. Then my first semester roommate didn't want to room with me again second semester, and it completely fed into the lies that I told myself. She doesn't want to be around you because nobody does. Everyone is just really nice at Asbury, and that's why it SEEMS like you have friends when you're still not nearly good enough. I mean, it really crushed me for a while. It was really hard for me.
Then I went through the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I was skeptical because books don't usually have a huge impact in my life. And it's true that nothing in that book was radically phenomenal at all. What did happen is this: I became aware of the fact that insecurity was the cause for my constant feeling of inadequacy. I didn't believe that the problem was insecurity but that the problem was that I truly wasn't good enough. Also, the problem wasn't that people didn't like me, but that I felt like people didn't like me and I dwelled on it all the time. I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense, so you might want to reread that to understand what I'm saying here. It's true that not everyone likes me, but I have many good friends who really DO love me for who I am. As for the people who don't like me, it doesn't matter! I really am valuable because of God's love for me; we all are. When I realized how insecurity was holding me back in life, I was able to recognize instances and shut it down. It's not a matter of will. If I spend all day going back in forth between "they don't like me. No, that's a lie; they do like me. No they really don't," and so on, it could go either way at the end of the day. Instead it's more like, "oh they don't like me. Okay, that's probably not true. God loves me; I love myself. If they really don't like me, it doesn't matter anyway."
And I really do love myself, too. I know a lot about who I am, and I know a lot about who I want to be.
So this past year has been really awesome. Because I love being me, every single day. I just love it.
But I bring it up because it's kind of hard again. I had grown up this resistance to insecurity, but I was also accustomed to being around the BEST FRIENDS EVER! Really, a shoutout to all of my wonderful Asbury people! I really have such awesome friends. So it's hard being here and sometimes feeling alone and feeling like people don't like me.
But it's coming back. I do love myself, and God loves me. So it's okay. I realize that if I am feeling a little lonely, I really just need to spend some more time with God...
Okay... will do!
Even when I started to make some friends in high school, I was always sure that they didn't really want to be friends with me. They were just being nice, hanging out with me when no one else would. I struggled a lot with feeling like my friends weren't really there for me when I needed it, and I went through a lot in high school that required good friends. Sometimes I believed that my friends really loved me, but it didn't take a huge incident to change my mind. I even had a few intense times during which I felt really confused and depressed about God's love; how could God see worth in me when no human being wants me around?
When I started at Asbury, I was initially doing rather well. I was able to feel like people there really liked me. Then my first semester roommate didn't want to room with me again second semester, and it completely fed into the lies that I told myself. She doesn't want to be around you because nobody does. Everyone is just really nice at Asbury, and that's why it SEEMS like you have friends when you're still not nearly good enough. I mean, it really crushed me for a while. It was really hard for me.
Then I went through the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I was skeptical because books don't usually have a huge impact in my life. And it's true that nothing in that book was radically phenomenal at all. What did happen is this: I became aware of the fact that insecurity was the cause for my constant feeling of inadequacy. I didn't believe that the problem was insecurity but that the problem was that I truly wasn't good enough. Also, the problem wasn't that people didn't like me, but that I felt like people didn't like me and I dwelled on it all the time. I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense, so you might want to reread that to understand what I'm saying here. It's true that not everyone likes me, but I have many good friends who really DO love me for who I am. As for the people who don't like me, it doesn't matter! I really am valuable because of God's love for me; we all are. When I realized how insecurity was holding me back in life, I was able to recognize instances and shut it down. It's not a matter of will. If I spend all day going back in forth between "they don't like me. No, that's a lie; they do like me. No they really don't," and so on, it could go either way at the end of the day. Instead it's more like, "oh they don't like me. Okay, that's probably not true. God loves me; I love myself. If they really don't like me, it doesn't matter anyway."
And I really do love myself, too. I know a lot about who I am, and I know a lot about who I want to be.
So this past year has been really awesome. Because I love being me, every single day. I just love it.
But I bring it up because it's kind of hard again. I had grown up this resistance to insecurity, but I was also accustomed to being around the BEST FRIENDS EVER! Really, a shoutout to all of my wonderful Asbury people! I really have such awesome friends. So it's hard being here and sometimes feeling alone and feeling like people don't like me.
But it's coming back. I do love myself, and God loves me. So it's okay. I realize that if I am feeling a little lonely, I really just need to spend some more time with God...
Okay... will do!
I LOVE YOU, SHELBY! <3
ReplyDeleteYou're super awesome and beautiful and godly and sweet and kind and generous and interesting and fun and FABULOUS!
This breaks my heart to read, I should have known/realized that you were so unhappy. I have always thought you were so self confident and full of fun...many people have these feelings, especially in HS. I am sorry I wasn't tuned into your life enough but I am glad that God is/was.
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